[Ronic]

Originally Posted by Death

you got potential but withdraw cause u got no talent
he can't deposit a consistent verse when his accounts are out of balance
Okay bar, but I don't like the switch from "you" to "he" - choose your audience and stick to em for the whole bar
aint slick w/ hoes, they see u as a behind doors cock thruster
ladies say my GameFly while yours'll shutdown whats in store like Blockbuster
fell flat, coulda been aight
this pathetic virgin needs to phone 911, his future's hopeless
the only hot twins he's been close to collapsed when he approached them
not bad but reference is gettin old bruv
fuck rap, maestro couldn't get out this slump, it's the truth
if he really this old.. then this nika been trash since that guy was n his youth
yeah this been done too, good punch structure tho
im done went u, u trash so I went 10 instead of 12
cause u write like u was inspired by TI lyrics from when he was in jail

barely rhymed, work on that

Originally Posted by Rap Maestro

... Its obvious death is about to die in shame/
cos wit Meduzza's power of mine.. I could make his life standstill without trying to tie him in pain/
Second line was too long for the first - try and tighten up your wording
the niggurh should take a binocular,.. And watch his mouth/
cos the pig.. Digging up for vet's line would end up incapacitated when i punch his snout/
I don't know what binoculars, pigs, digging or vets have to do with anything in this bar, it comes off as just random words in between an "i'll punch your mouth" statement
do i have to pull nines to make him take to his heel/
make him spit icing and sugary lines.. When i punch cake in his chin/
Make sure your first line acts as the set up for the punch in the second line - first line here has nothing to do with the cake concept in the second line
Death should know/
that he ain't ahead of God.. the tricks would show/
no wordplay or concept here, this is basically just rhyming for its own sake
he could be a motherless fagg, so i'll endeavour to murder him/
cos like he ain't a day-student in the vet's school, i'll bother him/boarder~digg
"I'll bother him" is possibly the lamest thing I've ever heard... ijs
i'll be fast to drop bars on him like i'd get paid by chocolate factory/
make him bleed honourarily like slashing consulate artery/
Again, first line doesn't set up the second - either the first line needed to be about honour/consulate or the second needed to be about chocolate factory... either way probly woulda been a wack concept

No hate maestro, but peep some of the other battles around and see how they're doin it. Hit up that tutor section as well, I have, it'll help you with wording and how to structure your lines so that hit as an actual punch - then you just gotta come up with some dope concepts and you'll be on your way! Death can def improve too, but he took this with greater understanding of punch structure and concepts

v/Death