i thought
Mistook the tree for the forest, the bee for the hornet;
The shadowy silhouette for the rest of the being in the portrait.
was dope, the first line being some pretty sharp turns of phrase, and the second quite a poignant example of imagery. similarly, 'carnal hourglass' was stellar for the layered depth to that line. those were the moments which hinted at ability i know you possess -- otherwise, the progression felt a bit uncertain, and many segments lacked a smooth transitional cohesion for me, for which the off-kilter, slightly erratic rhymes did no favour.
to elaborate, some of your clinical, oft times sterile, choice of wording did not mesh at all well with the content matter at hand. you may have benefited from some more flowery abstractions... for someone who patently plucks particular words you don't often see in verse, the phrase 'big black hole' was absolutely insipid. still, i didn't dislike the piece as an overview.
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