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Old 03-04-2018, 09:18 PM   #7
Eŋg
rhyme capsule.
 
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your punctuation, which i'll only comment on since you use, was spotty. i disliked some of the phrasing such as 'acetic laden' and 'chimerical climb' which made the informal 'got that proper taste' quite jarring weighed against the tonality of your piece. similarly, the heavier rhyming at the start lost it kinetic energy less than halfway through the piece which, if the latter is more organic (which is probably is), is no bad thing in of itself but it lent to displacing other aspects of your writing. otherwise, i liked the confused angle of a a patient with mental maladies battling (presumably her own) demons. also, not that i'm saying it does, but don't let excessive praise go to your head. people in life tend to be sycophants, particularly if you're a rare women in a predominantly male setting -- i'm pretty sure i've communicated something similar to you before if you're the alice who posted something about the black country here before.
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