2 Tripple - I liked the story you created out of the picture, a very optimistic tale.
Very 4th Wall breaking of you to address the readers as to how you planned on
aproaching the topic in the beginning stanza.
The language was very slang/hip-hopish with a little bit of poetics sprinkled throughout.
I think you could benefit from punctuation. Not saying it has to be 100% grammatically
correct but for instance ---
Quote:
|
shes pretty too someone you could relate to if you only she believes you
|
while I understand that believes you rhymes with the previous lines 'need you' there should be some commas or dashes to initiate a pause between certain phrases like "she's pretty too, (comma) someone you could relate to...." I think you had a typo here? with "if you only she" I feel like the word KNEW is missing maybe? like "if you only Knew, she" ?
So all in all it was cool that you pulled a story together from the topic, but like you first stanza
and the last line of your forth stanza suggests, I think you were a little lost on the topic and not sure what to do with it.
Adonis - flow and multis on point here and really stand out and shine.
"I was baptized but woke" idk what you intended for us to read with this, but
this was such a hard hitting phrase for me, as I know alot of poeple who are
saved/christian/baptists but close minded and just refuse to be woke - out of it.
I feel like this touched on several different interwoven subjects and I'm not sure
which one to pinpoint so it's almost like schrodinger's cat verse, it's all of the above
and it's none of the above and I think that's what really made me enjoy it more.
Each time I read through it I pick up something else. All the usual skills/categories
I usually look for were exceptional - great verse
V/ Adonis for a cleaner more well rounded verse.