[ACTIVATE SELF]

Symetrik

The Last Five Minutes
I woke to the morning mist gripped 'round my curious feet,
which peeked out beneath sleep and the comfort of down sheets
considering clouds that creep through town corridors soundless,
carefully scouting the day's dawn, diligent to the dangers of braving the mountains.

Dope. The flow, the rhymth and the pacing are all spot on. Seamlessly written. So much so, that the only word I can think of to describe your intro is 'liquid'. High quality H20, my dude. Also, the imagery is suitably visual.

... out here, the sun rays that break through are both breath-taking and countless.
"the ground's cold and needs leaves" - the first thing that Firbolgs teach
cuz the dirt will leach heat 'til your brains freeze and teeth birth words of slurred speech.
the earth's cursed and doesn't mean to worsen the physique,
it's just trying to be nourishing the weak, while birds dirge a ditty sitting pretty in the trees.

The flow is there. I definitely peep the cleverness of the technique. However, some of the word choices here were not as meticulously chosen as they had been in the previously quote section above.

Things like "teeth birth words", "trying to be nourishing [to] the weak" and "birds dirge a ditty", could be tighten up a bit so that the syntax of your lines reads more fluidly and natural (imo).

but right... me. I'm 23, 5'8", and my name's Regan,
and recently, I've been receiving the awfulest treatment.

"Awfulest" goes hand-and-hand with what I meantioned above.

I've been framed for maiming sheep... and accidentally summoning demons.
people decreed I released evil behemoths... granted their freedom.
single-handedly chanted, standing and bleeding to seemingly plan an agreement.

Nice. Nice. The wording adds up. Everything reads fluidly and the story itself is really starting to come to life.

the whole damn panic expanded from phantoms that roamed roads,
not to mention the ***kling crows, flown where the bones grow.
omens of woe, rattling-chains-in-a-robe and the feeling of hope? low.
I suppose the sole secret, who planted the seed "heathen" only Odin would know.

I'm not a fan of "where the bones grow". I just feel like there was a better word to use than grow.

Aside from that. This section was super solid, imagnative and fun to read. The mechanics were also pretty dope.

it's time to wrap up, enough flashbacks
cuz only moments ago, they noticed my actual tracks.fat wife
I was caught on my own, casually strolling 'til three twigs tangibly snapped.
17, and you're frozen!fat wifeah... somatic and spoken, the classic components of magical traps.

Boom. 100% real butter here, and a nice tie-in to the picture.

bzztfat wifeand lost focus,fat wifenote it: you're binded and defeaned.
awesomely ended... I'm already excited to write the next session!

Cool way to end it.

Okay, so your character seemed to be some sort of novice level magician. Who is not fully in control of his powers. As a consequence to this he ends up wreaking havoc on the entire township. Dope.


King Ra

I am.... surrounded.
It's astounding, how did I manage to get caught?
They say thatfat wife'battles are won, wars are lost'-

That last line is simple, but reads so philosophically proverbial that it gave me pause. Love it.

my heart is pounding.
Three armed adversaries trot around me,
how could this had possibly happen?
O' Mighty One, hear my cry,
for I know nothing at all, I'm saddened.

I can sense the intensity and suspense. The words are fluid and I believe in what you're selling -- character-wise.

Yo-
A gatherer of sorcerer's stones that gives one logic & power,
wisdom & knowledge to rise above it all and conquer the hours.

Nice. Your writing is very clean and free of hiccups and errors. "Conquer the hours". That's interesting. Are you alluding to controling time and space? Either way, I liked it.

Enemies cowered and crawled, devoured, skulls cracked and scattered,
no matter the call, I made sure their blood splattered the walls.
These were times of ancient scribes who scribbled rhymes of reason,
hieroglyphs were riddles, signs decoded by minds of genius.

Whew. That's fire. 100% in the pocket.

Wizards went to war against warlocks, hooded thieves practiced the art of the steal,

"The art of the steel". One word. Dope.

magic was a mastered craft that only the iron hearted could wield.
I studied the stars and drew maps of God's throne in the heavens,
I bent time at my will & might, turning minutes to seconds.

Smh. You must play a lot of Dungeons and Dragons or Magic The Gathering or something? I mean you're completely in the zone as far as the content goes. Not to mentioned technique ain't bad at all.

Growing stronger by the day, I felt the pleasure of unleashing a savage rage,
parting seas that formed tidal waves, cities turned to underwater graves.
Most would say I was brave, others would say that I was too prideful,
maybe that's when it started, the loss of respect, not being mindful.
I roamed the forest that day and got caught in a trap,
my adversaries came out of the shadows and started to clap.
The witch sat atop of her stallion and starting chanting a spell,
a hole in the earth formed, opened up and I saw the fires of hell.
I tried my best to escape the grasp of the pentagrams streams
but with each attempt, pain struck my core violently- I started to scream.

*Adjust 3D glasses while scarfing down a bucket of popcorn*

Tell me more.

I am.... surrounded.
It's astounding, how did I manage to get caught?
They say thatfat wife'battles are won, wars are lost'-
my heart is pounding.
Three armed adversaries trot around me,
how could this had possibly happen?
O' Mighty One, hear my cry,
for I know nothing at all, I'm saddened.

Okay, okay, employing the poetic device of repetition. Nice way to end it.

Vote - King Ra

Reason: I like both verses. However here's the thing, Symetrik's verse was very imagnative, entertaining and had superb flow, but the downside was that it also had some blotchy word choices. Whereas King Ra's verse was also very imaginative, entertaining and he too had a superb flow, but the only downside to his verse was that it ended. Feel me?

Nice battle guys. I enjoyed the ride. You both got skills. Peace.