[Inno]

Originally Posted by Diablo

now you answer ads sent specifically to your email
companies that swear by their product to please females
the details seem to real to be true so why not?
where can I correct this path that Im on?
Can I better my situation by this one simple trick?
the reviewers claim that it works with little risk

LOOOOOL did Mr J just write an open to Genocide on the hazards of buying dick pills onljne? I think he did just that. Beware those side affects, yo! It was hilarious. Fun, entertaining and light hearted take on the subject. He posted super quick this week too which I always enjoy. I wasn't sure if "Little" risk was deliberately ended on because of the small penis theme but it gonna go ahead and give him the benefit of the doubt on that one because I caught it and knowing J is a joker, I'm sure he did it intentionally. Funny verse, a little different from his usual I guess but it delivers none the less. Inno lit a fire in J this week it seems.

Objective: okay so, I don't know if I fully understood what you were going for with this in truth this week? It seemed to be some kind of falling out between friends after one makes some joke and then you kind of had an argument and it didn't get resolved and one walks away from a good friend over something trivial and doesn't attempt to patch things up because... why? It almost ended before the reasoning was given and felt very abrupt and like it was missing a consequence to really deliver to the reader. The story was pretty muddled in fact, it was losing the reader by being so bogged down in an attempt at the more technical side that you lost your way.

Here's an example:

I don't hit queens or pre-teens ......... (that shit was HISthing.)
Unless my wrists are observed I'm hardly reserved,
I make sure any pervs or the nerds get the words they deserve.

I'm not sure if you fully grasp what multies are, actually after reading this? It's not just the same sound of -erve being repeated, they have to match up syllabically. The last line is okay, but the one before has a mismatching of syllables which makes it look like you don't know fully comprehend what you're doing, you know?

It was pretty convuluted, the multies were sometimes unnatural sounding and seemed there for the sake of being there rather than moving the story along and letting it progress - so far from helping, it actually held the verse back to be honest. That's the best I can describe it here. The dialogue too can be difficult to pull off unless it's natural, having entire sections of dialogue and trying to make it rhyme simply doesn't work for these kind of pieces. It's a lesson we've all tried and learned from, so I'm sure people will recognise that, but I'm just trying to give you some pointers to improve upon here. I know it seems a tad harsh but that's not my intention, my intention is for you to learn and grow and get better but I can maybe see why you vote how you do more now. Anyway, long story short, this was a style clash. Mr J was the smoother, comical, direct piece in terms of flow and content while Objective reached for the higher fruit of technicality and mechanics but fell a little short in the execution and delivery for me. That's why I gave this to J.