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Hey…I’m Sarah; I’m worth exactly one billion slavecoins
Nox-5 and Eupha-69 are favorite drugs at our local rave points
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Dope intro. I'm loving the self-invented sci-fi jargon.
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I’ve settled here on Sperare - a mote of dust in the wind
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"a mote of dust in the wind". I like that. It's simple, but paints a great picture of a remote and desolate location on a barren planet or Space colony.
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A Mega City, one of thousands on this cluster we’re in
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Your phrasing has been really dope thus far. I'm getting a real graphic novel type of feel from this read.
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I’m a warrior of many means, of hacking lust and of sin
An agent of the resistance against that fucker the king…
Darkness and cunning are deep in his soul, lurking within
Taking planets in hostile fashion on the burst of a whim
Leaving members of the populace to nurse with their jinn
In lieu of death or exile, they choose to curse in the wind…
He’s planted seeds in this city, but I can see the same trap
There’plaal; even after we've evolved to 30 percent brain cap
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The storyline is pretty cool. It definitely has my attention and I can visualize a lot of what you've written. I think in terms of imagination and creativity, you've scored a homerun. However, in relation to mechanical execution, I think you could have done more to spruce up the fluidity of the rhyme scheme. It's not that your flow is choppy or anything, but more so it reads somewhat streched and or underwhelming in this particular section. However, even with that said, I have to stress just how much fun I'm having reading about this dystopian existence you've created.
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...Still remember the takeover when I was just a little girl in a home
Their demonic insignias - a world of pearls and of bones
Experimented on my parents, somewhere in the firmament’s throes
When they died, I knew at once; now a girl was alone
So I excelled in academics, athletics and speech at their schools
and went along with that indoctrinating reason of fools
But that was then. I long ago escaped by grace of my will
and I’m like the woman in Kill Bill - that most ancient of films
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The backstory is super cool. The wording and flow are both butter. And the Kill Bill part - bruh ... pure gold..
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Moving through shadows in the street out of scope of the enemy
The people hide it in their eyes; their hope is diminishing
The tattoos on my body - homage to a tribe that I miss from afar
a lineage somewhere in time along this prism of ours
There was a native tribe known for their wisdom of words
Back when humanity was localized around a singular star
So I pray to the war gods and wait for whispers from Mars
and tip the balance away from evil and the cynical herd
As I stare at my face floating over the glint of my purse…
Who knows whether I’ll live or be deceased in a year?
I lay back in my woman cave, attach a piece to my ear…
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Maybe, I didn't read it as you intended for it be heard .... But uhmmm ... a lot of those words didn't contribute to the rhyme scheme. I mean some end rhymes and scattered assonance, ensured that there was some measure of flow, but for the most part, this sectioned read more like a straight up novel, than it did a lyrical verse.
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Pull up the interface and smirk, I’m about to get ready
to upload my avatar at the celestial city
It’s made in my image but stronger, with laudable posture
My fingers whir as I prepare for the consciousness transfer
The team is ready at my incubation tube for when I open my eyes
circling the city undetected - know that hope is alive
Blue energy rises up into ether and the king’s at the crest
My escape is one mistake he’s gonna live to regret
The pulsar cannon is ready, my head is filled with the art of war
I upload -
“speed at invisible glide, straight into his corridor”
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If we remove the stretched and or manipulated rhyming from the equation this piece is really fuckin dope -- content wise. Again, I love the imagination injected into it, the vocab seems legit given the subject matter and, the plot is pretty cool.
The only thing holding this piece back from being a real gem (judging it as a topical of course) is the lack of a more fluid flow. Especially in reference to your end rhymes.
In any case, your talent to tell a visual and captivating story is apparent. You got skills, man. Thanks for the read.