I figured I'd feed in here since people sleep on the OM forum nowadays...
You had a lot of creative ideas in the beginning section, the slavecoins, the drug names, the Mega City (which seemed straight out of a Judge Dredd comic to me LOL, I'm a fan) and you opened it pretty well. Keeping it conversational was a good touch, the 30 percent brain cap was a nice addition too to this imaginary world you build up.
You started to scheme more at that point and switched it up, which was enjoyable, but I noticed you used "girl" twice in the same multi string (which I'd neverrrrrrr do, I'm a perfectionist faggot). The Kill Bill being ancient now was a cool call-back reference, I enjoyed as Tarantino is my fave director actually. Some of the slant rhymes didn't come off as well for me, like "hope is diminishing/scope of the enemy" I can kind of see it and that may be an accent thing but it didn't work for me personally. There's another one pretty closely after it too where you use prism of ours/wisdom of word/singular star" that don't work for me no matter how I try to bend the annunciation LOL "about to get ready/celestial city" is a real reach for me too and "laudable posture/consciousness transfer". I think the ending lacked something. It needed more. I mean, I get it, she sent some kind of rocket or beam toward The Kings palace and blew him to smithereens presumably, but it just felt kind of abrupt and came around too fast without any real resolution after you built it up great to an overall anti-climactic ending. I don't mean that harshly at all, just trying to give you some pointers maybe so you can learn and improve. I appreciate you showing up and showing out. It's largely an enjoyable piece, there's a lot to like and there are sprinkles of your true talent hidden in there it just needed maybe a re-write to the ending of it to make it go somewhere different. I liked it though,
Keep that pen moving!
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