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MMLP · 11-02-2017, 09:16 AM

Innov – right off the bat the imagery is dope, diction is solid as ever from you.

“Metal birds cut the sky, bringing in a reign of blood
Coveted by men who lie, leaving wounds in the mud”

I’ve come to the conclusion that ‘technical’ writing is not your thing and rather in-depth story-telling, profound endings and ‘painting a scene’ etc is your primary objective. Which overall theres absolutely nothing wrong with but its not my personal preference tbh but when its executed, its dope I have to admit!

“The people hesitate but the wounds need no convincing.
Death spreads seamless through the walls
Seeping in the hinges of their joints and bones.” crazy

So its an narrative approach, it reads poem-esque at first viewing! that was a cool twist

“This burden is carried among those who survived to tell it.
war gets us nowhere but that’s just one perspective,”

Am I over thinking the last line? Im not too sure what the meaning behind it is, if im missing something subliminal or its as DIRECT as it sounds, if it is, its been stopped too soon I think, this could’ve been carried into something bigger!

Anyone put in a un-wanted position of war would HAVE to kill rather having a thirst to kill like you’ve portrayed.. I dunno ill read again, see how I feel about it lol!

All I can think is ‘GET TO THE CHOPPER’ now lol, that should’ve been the title haha! Yeah its captured well by this one soldiers perspective, “well trade bullets” “Boots stomp the sand into submission” in a village setting, suggests, he or she is on the ground in combat rather than in an chopper and gunning people down (or has come down from the chopper)! So yeah, endings kinda .. meh to be frank, considering how descriptive and enthralling the piece felt! Good job overall!

…..

ULLR – Ive got a horrible feeling I wont like the format or this piece, just saying!

Instantly from reading though, i like the start, im pulled in!
First (real) paragraph, Imagery, descriptive-ness is on par with Innov (which really surprises me).
Reads smooth, nice rhythm to it, ‘sinister silence’ ‘creak of a swing’…. doopppeee!
Scene is set

Second paragraph, I think it loses pace here man, the lines become longer, maybe a abit of filler and loses fluency overall. the target ‘ducks’ a bullet, that’s some JEDI reflexes right there, a family walking around amidst the chaos, not realising whats going on, seems suspect. ill reserve judgment lol.

Ending parts..
“he'd dreamt of glory, all the medals and promise
but only gore and war filled his head with the trauma” I liked that, I don’t even care that it didn’t rhyme, it hit me!

“when darkness surrounds, the mind's the loneliest place
and even death can seem divine, when it's your only escape...” Nice!

Very morbid ending thou my man, the ending stanza was well paced and laid out. My only gripe of this part, is an 80 year old man, committing suicide?? I might be showing my ignorance here but that seems far-fetched, should have done it in his sixties at the latest I think! Carrying this ‘baggage’ for sixty years, now completely widowed, stricken with cancer, poor guy… your harsh as fuck ULLR!

technically I prefer ullr’s straight away, im gonna go for the impact of the piece’s though.
Innov’s storytelling prowess n consistency throughout helped his cause, it was on form here, But I didn’t like the ending as much as the piece overall, ULLR wrote a long-ass piece but I actually enjoyed reading n was intrigued as to where it was going. First paragraph matched up to innov’s style and then some. The mid section was abit of a let down upon reflection. Both endings were flawed imo but concise and gives deeper meaning to the pieces so they ultimately work, it as to be said!

A genuinely, real tough call lads! Hopefully a vid mag comes out, and a pissed up, sentimental MMLP can deliver more eloquent reasoning for his decision!

Both cancel out each others flaws! I think its gonna come down to what stuck with me more, innov was more consistent but ullr sorta matched his imagery to a point AND had more harder hitting moments/ quotables etc that made me appreciate the read! This is literally some 10-9.9 shit, im gonna go with ULLR. I will not be surprised if others vote the other way!

Good luck in the final fellas, whoever gets there!

11-02-2017, 09:16 AM	#6
MMLP Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 614 Battle Record: 15-16 Champed - Write Week 9 Rep Power: 9768091	Innov – right off the bat the imagery is dope, diction is solid as ever from you. “Metal birds cut the sky, bringing in a reign of blood Coveted by men who lie, leaving wounds in the mud” I’ve come to the conclusion that ‘technical’ writing is not your thing and rather in-depth story-telling, profound endings and ‘painting a scene’ etc is your primary objective. Which overall theres absolutely nothing wrong with but its not my personal preference tbh but when its executed, its dope I have to admit! “The people hesitate but the wounds need no convincing. Death spreads seamless through the walls Seeping in the hinges of their joints and bones.” crazy So its an narrative approach, it reads poem-esque at first viewing! that was a cool twist “This burden is carried among those who survived to tell it. war gets us nowhere but that’s just one perspective,” Am I over thinking the last line? Im not too sure what the meaning behind it is, if im missing something subliminal or its as DIRECT as it sounds, if it is, its been stopped too soon I think, this could’ve been carried into something bigger! Anyone put in a un-wanted position of war would HAVE to kill rather having a thirst to kill like you’ve portrayed.. I dunno ill read again, see how I feel about it lol! All I can think is ‘GET TO THE CHOPPER’ now lol, that should’ve been the title haha! Yeah its captured well by this one soldiers perspective, “well trade bullets” “Boots stomp the sand into submission” in a village setting, suggests, he or she is on the ground in combat rather than in an chopper and gunning people down (or has come down from the chopper)! So yeah, endings kinda .. meh to be frank, considering how descriptive and enthralling the piece felt! Good job overall! ….. ULLR – Ive got a horrible feeling I wont like the format or this piece, just saying! Instantly from reading though, i like the start, im pulled in! First (real) paragraph, Imagery, descriptive-ness is on par with Innov (which really surprises me). Reads smooth, nice rhythm to it, ‘sinister silence’ ‘creak of a swing’…. doopppeee! Scene is set Second paragraph, I think it loses pace here man, the lines become longer, maybe a abit of filler and loses fluency overall. the target ‘ducks’ a bullet, that’s some JEDI reflexes right there, a family walking around amidst the chaos, not realising whats going on, seems suspect. ill reserve judgment lol. Ending parts.. “he'd dreamt of glory, all the medals and promise but only gore and war filled his head with the trauma” I liked that, I don’t even care that it didn’t rhyme, it hit me! “when darkness surrounds, the mind's the loneliest place and even death can seem divine, when it's your only escape...” Nice! Very morbid ending thou my man, the ending stanza was well paced and laid out. My only gripe of this part, is an 80 year old man, committing suicide?? I might be showing my ignorance here but that seems far-fetched, should have done it in his sixties at the latest I think! Carrying this ‘baggage’ for sixty years, now completely widowed, stricken with cancer, poor guy… your harsh as fuck ULLR! technically I prefer ullr’s straight away, im gonna go for the impact of the piece’s though. Innov’s storytelling prowess n consistency throughout helped his cause, it was on form here, But I didn’t like the ending as much as the piece overall, ULLR wrote a long-ass piece but I actually enjoyed reading n was intrigued as to where it was going. First paragraph matched up to innov’s style and then some. The mid section was abit of a let down upon reflection. Both endings were flawed imo but concise and gives deeper meaning to the pieces so they ultimately work, it as to be said! A genuinely, real tough call lads! Hopefully a vid mag comes out, and a pissed up, sentimental MMLP can deliver more eloquent reasoning for his decision! Both cancel out each others flaws! I think its gonna come down to what stuck with me more, innov was more consistent but ullr sorta matched his imagery to a point AND had more harder hitting moments/ quotables etc that made me appreciate the read! This is literally some 10-9.9 shit, im gonna go with ULLR. I will not be surprised if others vote the other way! Good luck in the final fellas, whoever gets there!