[JESODIST]

Who needs foolish negative feedback like the above
when you have from readers like these that make you sound like a hater
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

FEEDBACK 1 SELF ACTIVATE Quote

Sooooo this was pretty MASSIVE to say the least.

Word of advice: if you're going to drop a 100 lines or more try breaking up your verse into sections so that it's not so daunting on the eyes or to read. Also, even tho you had all the essential components (i.e.; internals, multis, and couplets) necessary to make your rhyme scheme flow ... for some reason ... it just didn't. Well, it did, but it became monotonous after about ten lines. You paid A LOT of attention to imagery, but not nearly as much to delivery.

And, the problem with not having a fun, intricate, or creative flow is -- that verses as long as this one was -- will ultimately fall flat and become a chore to read all together. I mean, you can have all the lyrics in the word, but if you fail to combine them with a suitable rhyme scheme then all you've effectively done is merely half the job of a topical writer and or rapper. Remember, rhythm & cadence are just as important as the words you're actually saying. After all, it's the flow/rhyme that separates a rap/topical from a poem or an essay or just talking in general. Feel me?

Now, none of that is to say this wasn't a nice read, because it was. Your style is somewhat reminiscent of my own. You had a lot of literally, historical, mythological, fabled, and martial arts references littered throughout the read. I tend to incorporate many of the same elements into the verses that I write. You also told a story that bobbed and weaved in-and-out of concrete narratives and sporadic braggadocio lyrics. Real Wu-Tang style and also an approach I sometimes dabble with. However, I did notice that for every dope reference used correctly and impressively, I could find at least ten others that seemed undeveloped or lacking proper cohesion. I would normally give you an example of what I mean, BUT I don't currently have the time to dissect this joint like it deserves to be examined.

In any case, I see a lot promise in your writing. If you can trim the fat off some of your wording, condensed your content (because honestly you could have wrote everything you wrote in 25 lines without losing any of the sensationalism of your ideas), and elevate your rhyme patterns to the point that they highlights your concepts and fluidly move your thoughts alone at a reasonable pace ... if you can do those things or just a portion of each ... you'll be a force to be reckoned with because the genius behind your words is evident. It's just hidden in the clutter like a diamond in the rough.

Keep posting, bro.

Peace...

FEED 2 Crimson Juice quote

Firstly you need to put this into some more manageable structure,
my impressions at first was like WOW A WALL OF WORDS,
you could also do with some inner rhyming word or multi's to aid this,
I'll be honest i was intimidated at the size of this piece
after reading 15 or so lines,however,if it wasn't for the contents i'd probably would of
quit,you had some good wording scattered throughout this drop and overall had some decent subject matter also,I liked the many different angles you played with here,and
your vocab along with the detail was good,you clearly know your way around the pen,
and to extent Mythology,all in all I did like this,it was a good read when you ignore its
flaws..peace.

FEEDBACK 3 Rhetorical Quote

whew. . alot to cover here. .
o.k.

so basically we have a story here of a hellish creature dwelling underground who want to bring the wrath of Satan himself onto man kind. From the jump, it starts off with some pretty cool visual queues. Insides are Dark Matter. Bound to his chair. His existence to harbor this other worldly knowledge is his misery it seems. There were sections where there was some really good multis, and you have a good vocabulary at your disposal. There was some excellent lines in here to be captured, and i definitely felt the tone you was shooting for as i could easily put myself in this mystical and dangerous world you described.

so with that said, here are the areas i think you can improve on.
first off, and this is a minor one. . but proof read your verse before posting it.


next, and this one is just a suggestion more then anything. When you make a body of work this long, fat wifeyou may want to find sections to break. When its all jumbled into one big heaping serving of a verse, its really hard to follow the pace and we have no areas to just stop and take in any volume of the story. Its like getting hit with it all and having to absorb everything in one big blow ya know.. . help us out by maybe putting a break in every 16 bars or so. . then continuing


Lastly, and this is a big one. . the flow is really shaky man. You cant go from 11 syllables in one line, right into 26 syllables into the next line. The flow is not THE most important thing always. . but its the one thing that sets the delivery, scheme, and fluidity of the read. . and when your lines are this uneven, all of that is thrown off. So, i would challenge you to write a verse keeping every single line 14-16 syllables long. you would be surprised how much depth you can get out of each line count that long. .

anyway. . overall a good read here, alot to like about it, some areas in need of improvement. . and tbh, i think this verse in its entirety could have been summed up in half the length you wrote here. keep that pen moving bruh