[Coup]

first dude (asylumpad)-

Up until you mention "Yemen" I had no real time to place this event in...not that I was asking or even cared because in the back of my head I had just assumed some made up land where time was timeless and did not matter.

Reading the place, Yemen, sort of took me out of it...though not for long, because the 2nd half really picked up and had interesting qualities that tied into the opening lines well. Not only does it progress the narrative, but tosses around social issues such as justice and equity in a not so preachy way.

Part of the confusion for me, however, was the opening "man" and his field of view: the narration stemming from his context. The first line was strong, setting a precedent. This was abandoned quickly to your verses hurt. It went from "he" to they/them in the form of rhetorical questions not in the context of the "man" but in context of victims. I admit this is minor and I offer it up only because it did come to mind. This is all subtle however, but does come at a price.


Truly killed this:
Lets see a politician's excuse not to enter our armed forces before they force us.
I'd rather give food in large portions to kids starving as they huddle for warmth,
covered in ashes next to the wreckage of what once was their porch,
but there's a fine line drawn between lives in war,
and we're at a dawn of a new age where new lines are forged.

Overall i respect the focus and how you did not stray far from the objective framework of the piece.

amen.

//


-second dude (nigmapad)

My mind might be bright but it’s a garden of mold

quirky image, ha

Immorality is sought by everyone who won’t attain it.

nice. thoughtful line here...truly.

Believe I’m heaven sent. Sure, cowards usurped us
The only prerequisites were power and purpose


ha loved this...even a coward can over through if the right power balance and necessity is struck at the right moment.


You have plenty of interesting nuggets, lots of quality lines and the flow and rhyme was on point. However, I had no idea what was happening, what was going on and where, and who and how. I suffer from this often, so I see it clear. All in all this work just seemed to pick up in the middle of nowhere really. lots of competing subjects, actions and players in this...while a interesting read in terms of rhyme and sound, this leaves one confused and much to be desired.

I read this backwards, from the last line to the top, just as easily as top down.


//

vote: first dude (asylumpad)