[Pinot Grij]

Vulgar - I hate your title, but I love your opening stanza. "Fairly compact" is cool phrasing, appropriate and true to character.

I don't know when cheese is ever described as "bitter" but I really like the direction you're headed in - some kind of mouse cheese-stealing instructional video perhaps??

This is a very interesting idea.. A hoity toity film snob mouse.. I think I would've liked something a little more cartoonish and playful, but this is entertaining.

Cats on the block line is a great diversion from the narrative. Perfect side detail.

All I can say is that the Mr. Wigglestache paragraph is absolutely perfect. Hilarious! I did not object to a single word. The rhyming was fluid and maintained the fun tone.. "furry butts in seats". Stuff like that, perfect.

The paragraph between that and the chase scene was not needed - the chase scene is amazing. The idea that the cat forgoes a sure meal for fame is a good way to keep your story lighthearted. Perfect ending. I loved this piece. I think early on it was a little uneven in tone - some serious moments when I wish it was all very lighthearted - but it all got ironed out and was very very enjoyable.

Richard Corey --

Scene setting is solid - the griping about everyone having a camera now, loved it.. true to reality. Places me in your scene.
"Tad bit of crown - last of it down - passionate crowds" - stellar rhyming

The likening of cops to cats and black citizens to mice feels a bit crude and lacks the true sophistication that the metaphor needs and deserves.

"Jim honestly didn’t - officer’s business"

"Call it instinct, muscle memory, this was just what they did.
It was second nature, it wasn’t hatred. It just sucks for the kid."

This is exquisite writing. So impressed.

Why should I change? You tell your kids to honor us all;
Bet you never ponder that part, or stay outside of my range.
Fuck all you poor pieces of shit, you’re all comically off
and unironically soft and only exist cos us police, we see fit.
And the dead are hardly a loss to your mess of a community
So this stupd test of your unity is simply not gonna wash.
A crowd stood in horror, appalled; but he was rightfully ignorant
and righteously indignant, so no one with any gall got involved.
Nor were there thoughts to dissolve, till a mouse sprung up from the pack
“that’s fuckin’ funny cat, but why don’t you save that talk for a dog.”

Can I say it again? The rhyme scheme in here is crazy. Saving the rhyme for every other line is not a method that gets used much around these parts, so the effect is even greater especially given the high level of writing. "Save that talk for a dog" - the idea and thought itself is so native to your scene, but so is the phrasing. Like it sounds like something a lower class mouse would say to a cat.

Richard - I love your writing. I was hanging on each elongated 2-line rhyme to see where it would take me next. There were a few low points for me though - the paragraph after the break took quite a while to get going until the "why should I change?" line, I was just riding along. The ending left some to be desired as well.

It's hard to pick a winner here because I was mesmerized by both pieces in certain areas. After reading these verse, I have a whole new admiration for both. Based on the more enjoyable and engaging verse though, I feel more strongly about Vulgar's verse.

Vote -- Vulgar