Certain - You went with a difficult route on this one. I would describe this verse as formal and academic. The transitions were calculated, the overall tempo a bit monotone and controlled. This was very much a tranquil documentary produced by a peace organization about economic disparagement between nationalities. I'm not going to pretend like I could pull off this approach. I do think it was the kind of verse that's supposed to hit the reader like a quarterback hiking the ball to a running back. Its success is dependent on the message being delivered via capsule of 'transcendent truth' about race and humans. It didn't pack the punch it needed, I feel, to get to the end zone. It's hard to quantify the thought that goes into rhymed verses; this medium is so limited people don't even realize, until they read short stories and novels and see how such a small thing can translate to something larger, more ambitious and better defined. With that said, I don't want to disqualify your idea because it's interesting. I don't think this verse worked well in this format because there were so many unanswered's. It was like a bare PowerPoint, making its point, but not really as demonstrative and animated as it could've been if an energetic presenter replaced the laptop and slide presentation.
Frank - Brilliant ending but damn dude, the older I get the less I enjoy your coast to coast rhyme schemes. It was completely wack at some parts while it was nice at others. I can't stress this enough, it ruins so many of your good storylines. As a concept, this isn't a new rendition; God and the Devil or God's children and the devil as toddlers. The way it succeeded to a partial degree (due to the painful rhyming) was how it hit the topic picture, which was very clever. Please understand, I have to deduct points because the verse was one long fight scene. There was no skilled interweaving of biblical stories, no glimpses of the adults the toddlers would grow to be. In a way, you are betting the house on the twist ending - if the reader isn't receptive, they're likely to not be that impressed by your rhyming steez, and vote the other way. It's a "statement of power" trying to take a risk like that, however, it's not exemplary writing. It's just not. I guess we each do different things in different ways. It was fun to read though for about 70-80% of it. At the end of the lines, it was slow-going, as I had to acknowledge (ok, he's rhyming with this and this...) and adds to the drudgery effect. If this happened in a movie, people would turn it off. It's like the same film device - the most difficult film device to implement - equivalent to a one-rhyme scheme verse, used over and over and over again. I know this is falling on deaf ears because it's your style and you are good enough at it to win championships, but let's go son...
Vote - Frank
Based on the strength of his twist alone, I think he tops Certain's potentially effective character studies.
|