Word, thanks for the feedback all. Going to try to improve the flow even more on my next drop along with the other things you mentioned.
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dead man: Thanks a lot for being honest, I appreciate it. ''Son'' and ''mom'' doesn't rhyme, you're right, but take a look at the rhymescheme; ''happenin' son'' and ''lackin' in fun'' does. Wether you like this set-up or not is entirely up to you.
I can also understand your confusion with the pac-line. I'll dumb it down as much as I can as I pondered wether people would get it or not; Christian people stay away from drugs, but I'm still good enough to inspire christian girls enough with my stuff to make them smoke with me. ''On the tracks'' refers to smoking by the railroad tracks, not literally on them, or if you want; On the tracks/audios I make, both works but when I wrote it I had railroad tracks in mind. I've smoked by the tracks a few times before we got old enough to smoke at our own homes, hah. Vision joints - it is what it says; both songs with a vision that Pac had a couple of, and actual joints that make you ''see'' things or debate life when you smoke. Pac and Biggie were friends way back and they have made tracks together. Basically what I'm saying is that I'm so good the atmosphere around me is nostalgic and awesome for all the right reasons with hip-hop in mind and it's so strong that even christians would smoke with me.
Beside of that line and the ''son'' thing I personally agree with you. It needs to be better. My S&F-verses will probably continue to be ''corny'', but at least I'm ''corny'' while (hopefully) writing in a way that others don't. I think the challenge for me, after reading your feed, will be to balance it without dropping fillers/played concepts like the ''No debate; I'm a dawg to these kittens''-line.
I take all feedback seriously, but I also realize that people are different and there will never be a piece that everyone will enjoy or find dope. Perhaps this particular piece was just exactly that; Something you just didn't feel. (Read the feedback/votes on my battle vs. Innovator in the AOWL. It is the most diverse feedback I've ever been given by honest feeders ever. Each voter picked out something they enjoyed and disliked, but it was different parts and often crossed eachother. In my opinion this is perhaps my most complete verse this far since people enjoyed different things for different reasons and in the end 95% of my verse was praised by different people and what they got in common is that they thought it was a solid drop overall.) And this is another challenge as a writer that reads peoples feedback and takes it to heart; ''What can I take from this? Is this drop actually dope or are people holding back on certain things? What can I improve if it boils down to personal opinion on the concept and not the line being wack?'' So far, what I've got out of the feed given on this piece is that in my verse I have a few fillers, ''ok''-lines is not okay for me if everyone agrees on it, it needs to be better. I need to improve my flow even more and really revise the syllables. Either way, what you said made sense and I will take it into consideration. I also appreciate you taking time to break it down, be 100% honest and give solid feedback.
The only thing I question (beside of the ''son''-line) about your feed is that you're saying the rhyming doesn't make any impact but everything else you've read from me this far is. I question this because; Beside of the lines being ''corny'' to you this is perhaps my most complex rhyme structure to date as multi-syllable rhyming, internals and even far-out there internals etc. goes (what I consider far-out rhyming/internals: perspective - Objective & halla balla - Valhalla). I can do perfect syllable-wise verses, but when I do it the verse itself isn't great. I need to work around it and make it mine in my own way with a flow that works (which I believe is the reason to why some people appreciate it, because it's ''different'', but fact of the matter it's me being lazy and ended up developing a style that I'm going to keep on improving for the most part. But I still need to master all kinds of formats so expect equal multiple syllable rhyme structures in the future.)
Again; Thanks a lot and if you got anything more to add I'm open ears. Much appreciated and I will return the feed (probably tomorrow). Going to feed some open mics when I get some time for myself again.