[PancakeBrah]

CERTAIN-

You've written this type of verse before. Or I think you have, kind of recall one similar to this. Multiple quick portraits of characters, then a cherry on top for concept. QUITE THE VIGNETTE-IST, THIS ONE. Of the four, Timmy's section probably had the best writing, but they were all on the same wavelength. An even keel to the entire proceedings, solid throughout but nothing much splashed. You had solid wording/phrasing throughout the piece, no missteps. But also nothing extraordinary. I liked the transition from the childlike names ending in -y to "proper adult names" in the first line of the last stanza. I didn't like the ending line much at all. Came out of nowhere and felt hokey, with no real subtlety to the point. Didn't work as a finisher. Slipped on the turnbuckle. Which is odd, since I often enjoy the conceptual angles you take to topics. One word came to mind when reading this; "Professional". A buttoned up affair, showing your experience. But the verse didn't make much of an impact on me. I think you're capable of better.

FRANK-

Here are the words you used incorrectly;

Disputement - Should just be dispute.

Truant - The teachers look of disgust isn't truant.

Canoodled - How is the crush canoodled during a fight over the crush?

Ruthlessly - They're probably just young & ruthless. Not ruthlessly young. Or Violently underaged. Or maliciously preteened.

Humid with muck - It's probably just humid.

Grunge - A noun, not an adjective.

"Seeing quadruple the lumps" - If he's "blocking the other students punch" and "hyper reactive" he should have no lumps.

Entombing Chug - He's eating. Also, ridiculous.

As for the story itself, it was good in some parts, but on the whole absolutely ridiculous and disjointed. The Damien reveal came out of nowhere. Everything was just aimless and scattershot. They're fighting in the school yard. They're fighting on the bus. They're fighting in the teacher's office(?). Then he's the movie character and he sits down and he's a bad apple. There's no point to any of it. It's an exercise in repeated rhyming (which goes sideways many times), with some interesting lines of action, some genuinely interesting writing, that all amounts to "the character in the picture is Damien". It hit the topic right on the head yet somehow didn't say anything about the topic at all.

I feel like I'm being harsh. There were highlights, of course. You're capable of great writing.

"Using her ruler at once: She subjected the unruly pupils to bruises and cuts, wounding the runts with tutoring umpth.
Ridiculing with sudden cruelness, she abusively swung the ruler - acutely and blunt.
“Misbehaving will not be tolerated by two imprudent punks.”
She said fuming as salvia flew out of her gruesome gums -
With cooties - it flung gooey and gunked the view of the fuss
Spewing: the two students threw a slew of punches with amusement & spunk,"

The best section, far and away. Pitch perfect here.

"Flowers wilt in the vase, the tulips prune in the sun, as the temperature in the room becomes humid"

Good!

But overall, the stretched wording and weird, almost pointless aimlessness of the story detracted from my enjoying those great sections of writing only you are seemingly capable of, in your imitable style.




I read all of Certain's verse and the first couple of lines from Frank's yesterday night and honestly thought Frank would get my vote.After fully reading both a few times, the tides shifted. Certain's verse was a technically forthright affair with a bad ending and a short impact. Frank's was a semi-english scattershot story with occasional flashes of brilliance with a short impact. Both writers are capable of multiple levels of higher quality, in my estimation. If Frank had tightened up some loose ends and given his plot some, I don't know, plot or, I don't know, point, he wins this running away. As it stands now, Certain's stolid approach withstands the calamitous chaos that was Frank's attempt at a whirlwind of creativity.

v/Certain, begrudgingly