[PancakeBrah]

ENG-

Looks like you took last week's voter comments to heart by writing a story. Or, you just felt like writing a story. Wrestled with ideas of familial bonds, teenage angst, rebellion against expectations, income inequality, bullying (specific and broad), and capitalism. All within an immigrant's son's experience. I think the 'Carrot and Stick'/campfire scene was your best effort, both in narrative and writing. It was comfy. I could smell the mix of campfire and cologne through the screen. The ending "the scent still holds" is great. A subtle metaphor. The "Hard Power" section was a bit telling not showing, and all that. The weakest of the three, but with strengths of its own ("merits indistinct", the ending couplet). I enjoyed "Sovereign" quite a bit. Juxtaposing the reveal of the fathers' death with his anti-capitalistic/topic tie-in tirade of lab rats/fat cats really sunk the connection between our protagonists' reactionary rebellion in. He's lost the catalyst for his discontent so his discontent is all he has to hold onto and it's ruining him, becoming unhinged. Good, subtle characterization, something you don't see to often. A weaker writer would have thrown a "so", "then", or "and" in there somewhere.

I thought this would be a weird topic to tackle. So many broad takes acting as pitfalls. You took the topic and nestled it in there. Sure, the first stanza had a hard reference in the title, but other than that you just used it as one single part of a character's overall disintegration. Clever. Thanks for the read.

Pent uP-

Uneven, sometimes great, sometimes just okay. Never bad. Quick exposition, then an exploration through different characters. Some phrasing I found clunky ("screams to carry it", "press' thoughts locked in", the person telling the joke's dialogue rhyming so obviously, "shady facts", the odd "brick breaker specials" rhyme in the middle of a dramatic action sequence) buoyed by some really creative ideas/wording (the entire italicized ending, the confession scene, most of the dialogue). You went at the topic abstractly, and went for it in terms of form and style. Dialogue in a rhyming verse is always tricky, and I think you hit more than you missed (aforementioned sections excluded). I could see some voters, in doing a quick read, not seeing how this connected to the topic, but it's there. Kind of. If you squint. Enough that I'm not inclined to think of it as an adverse aspect, I suppose.


I've reread both verses half a dozen times, it's tough to call. Many disparate aspects. Eng was tighter, wording wise. But his story was a bit more rote than his opponents. Pent had some missteps in terms of phrasing, and his verse had maybe too big of a scope, trying to do too much in certain spots. Both verses, though, were interesting and of, generally, a high caliber. Also, Eng internalized, Pent externalized. Still can't call it definitively. I wish Eng had, I don't know, 10% more creative strikes; if that were the case it would be pretty slam dunk to me.

I guess, in the end, Eng had tighter phrasing, a more laser focus on the heart of the topic, and an accomplished goal of a verse. Pent was more creative, riskier. And I'm torn on it. I do have a stylistic preference for single character study verses, as they were my bread and butter for years on this site. Maybe that's why I'm tipping it toward Eng, with everything else so at odds. Coin flip.

v/eng