[Vulgar]

Of Mice and Lens


Ladies and gentlemen
You are about to hear a true story…
My name’s Baron Von Glass
and it’s better if I keep things fairly compact.

I’m a film director from the mouse kingdom…
Kingdom being an overstatement
Most of us live under the floorboards, our little snouts wrinkling
To get a taste of that bitter kitchen cheese...
washed down by stout drinking to get rid of inconsistencies
Deliver me. From mediocre productions put out by the industry…
we’re a young venture, admittedly. But we're doing great in fact!
We won a Golden Tail award for the controversial film:
They Blame Us For Plagues—We Blame Them For Spinning Ventilation Shafts
We accepted an award & received praise from Eleanor Gottfried
after she saw the screening and reviewed the message
she said: “Mice doing lab experiments in film; for THAT I have a true affection!”

We have our friend Hans Lukovic here; expert in Dutch translation
But hiz Inglish izn’t zo good… zo plez... try hav peshuns...
He's a former barepaw boxer. It’s good to have ‘em on the team
Otherwise, wandering cats on the block would tear us to smithereens
He has a jumping attack that’s just superb. Smashes their outer shells.
No point in telling you what he did to Gertrude the Gargantuan
You’ll just hafta buy the film with the same name & watch it for yourselves...

There’s Mr. Wigglestache, the old human bookkeeper who stinks of garlic,
drinks ‘til he vomits, collects books & the occasional mature comic
He owns the place we live in, the unofficial landlord with a swollen face
& a round belly too, probably from eating all those Polish crepes
Our humble town from underground is etched in gnawed lumber
we get water from the pipes & food from restaurant dumpsters
but we’re content enough about it all - we’re everywhere the humans go
even adopted their enthusiasm for movies - started Von Glass Studios
The new 'docu' in the works is gonna put furry butts in the seats
95 percent finished editing… it’s got substance, it’s deep
(by editing I mean chewing edges of Technicolor print & cutting out squeaks)
Our film crew is myself and two cam assistants
Agnes, Franz, & Hans for protection against street cats and pigeons
The film's about complete immersion
portraying a day in the life of what they see as vermin
We hope to be treated as equal persons, to rise from beneath the surface
We used sabotage in the past. Now we aim for a greater purpose
Honestly, eating through electric wires always made me nervous...

Mapped out the film locations/transportation - decided to go by clotheslines
The Rat Mob controls the sewer routes, that place is loaded with known spies!
rival filmmakers with false credentials that are so inflated
I don’t get the hype! Rat Race sucked, & Ratatouille was overrated

So anyway... get this… we’re in our final scene.
peeking out of trash cans, hanging from the vines of trees
The way a predator stares into our little souls,
it’s almost like we’re designed to flee…
A passing cat named Trowbridge spotted us! A rather violent breed
with knife-like teeth, it leapt at us with blinding speed, inclined to cleave
We hopped in a toy car with the camera mounted on the back
in our heads, thinking: “HOLY RAT SHIT, IT'S TIME TO LEAVE!”

We raced back Mr. Wigglestache's. The rest is history, I'm proud to say
I took in full sight of the approaching beast! Salivating & brownish gray
In seconds, its fierce paws were clasped around my body firmly
From this predicament I was likely not emerging so didn’t bother squirming
“Ohhh, I get it, you're film-makas!” Trowbridge shouted.
“True... Well, it might get graphic soon on this lovely afternoon
Keep the cameras rollin' cuz I’m the coolest cat from Baton Rouge”

I was captivated by him! What charisma!
“Sir," I stammered
"Before you play with my corpse & discard my bones
you seem like an interesting character...
Would you like to have a starring role?”

Trowbridge licked his lips, then paused,
wagging his tail in considerable thought
The next moment, he picked me up in his jaws!
and I felt him hesitate - then he dropped me
“I’m with it, boss! But I'm warnin' you.
No Aristocats sequels or the whole thing's off..."