Netcees - View Single Post - RD 1: dead man vs NYCSPITZ

Eŋg · 09-07-2016, 10:19 PM

black - vintage form. i read this from the ambivalent perspective of a conflicted lover making a triangle of a hollow, somewhat false marriage where the female is inevitably damaged. aren't we all, though? there was an element of preying on her hurt - that could be way off, but there are a few reasons why i came to this conclusion - ultimately, the narrative is secondary to the writing for me. yet, the two existing in synergy can bolster certain lines:

i'm a stone in your chest. nosy and possessive at best
stay with me. stay alone. stay or face consequence

the duality here, particularly of chest (and to a lesser extent stone) just worked almost perfectly for me. a really resounding couplet. a few lines after, the subtle tattoo on the wrist as failed suicide note was stellar. a few hiccups in the cadence, if i'm being a pedant, but this was very good throughout. i'm liking your slightly less formulaic shit -- more inconvenient truths than reassuring lies.

nyc - this was some gangsta shit. even if it has a slightly ridiculous setting (which you invented perhaps for creative freedoms idk) the premise of the innate unrest even for an intoxicated official immersed fully, if ignorantly, within a conforming dystopia was profound. it speaks on a human condition many could, or should relate to at varying degrees. the writing rang with the idea of 'relax and consume' and there was a fairly solid arc formed, in verse, from beginning to end - though conceptually i question the necessity of a different drug to self-substantiate. i guess there's some precedence if already pumping your veins full of chemicals, and there was a fail-safe (the robots turning) to punish such an action. top notch storytelling throughout, good imagery, consumable narrative with real energy in its rhythm and movement. i think you might have lost a bit of general steam toward the end, but was satisfied with the resolution. as an aside: if the drugs were a reassuring lie, as per the topic, where was the possibility of an inconvenient truth? not swallowing the pill?

a close one, if nyc had kept the initial venom he started with throughout, i'd have probably tossed him the vote on this one. gonna go with black instead.

09-07-2016, 10:19 PM	#6
Eŋg rhyme capsule. Join Date: Sep 2018 Posts: 2,150 Rep Power: 0	black - vintage form. i read this from the ambivalent perspective of a conflicted lover making a triangle of a hollow, somewhat false marriage where the female is inevitably damaged. aren't we all, though? there was an element of preying on her hurt - that could be way off, but there are a few reasons why i came to this conclusion - ultimately, the narrative is secondary to the writing for me. yet, the two existing in synergy can bolster certain lines: i'm a stone in your chest. nosy and possessive at best stay with me. stay alone. stay or face consequence the duality here, particularly of chest (and to a lesser extent stone) just worked almost perfectly for me. a really resounding couplet. a few lines after, the subtle tattoo on the wrist as failed suicide note was stellar. a few hiccups in the cadence, if i'm being a pedant, but this was very good throughout. i'm liking your slightly less formulaic shit -- more inconvenient truths than reassuring lies. nyc - this was some gangsta shit. even if it has a slightly ridiculous setting (which you invented perhaps for creative freedoms idk) the premise of the innate unrest even for an intoxicated official immersed fully, if ignorantly, within a conforming dystopia was profound. it speaks on a human condition many could, or should relate to at varying degrees. the writing rang with the idea of 'relax and consume' and there was a fairly solid arc formed, in verse, from beginning to end - though conceptually i question the necessity of a different drug to self-substantiate. i guess there's some precedence if already pumping your veins full of chemicals, and there was a fail-safe (the robots turning) to punish such an action. top notch storytelling throughout, good imagery, consumable narrative with real energy in its rhythm and movement. i think you might have lost a bit of general steam toward the end, but was satisfied with the resolution. as an aside: if the drugs were a reassuring lie, as per the topic, where was the possibility of an inconvenient truth? not swallowing the pill? a close one, if nyc had kept the initial venom he started with throughout, i'd have probably tossed him the vote on this one. gonna go with black instead.