Pancake this had a lot of depth. It read exactly like a screenplay, I don't know if that was your intention. And if I'm being candid, sometimes it was hard to follow. This is probably the verse I've read the most, just so I could judge it correctly. I love some of your wording, "eldritch in nature", really beautiful. But then there is other times where some of the vocabulary is awkward, like quaff, at least for an end rhyme. Plus the rhyme schemes themselves were dispersed at strange junctions. You are very meticulous in your descriptions and its impressive, but sometimes you go overboard with it and it becomes offputting, particularly the fart line. Not just because of the noxious gaseous image, but it kind of distorted the narrative rhythm of your piece. But it was bold, but at the same time strange. I enjoyed the read though, but it read more like a script of some kind, and void of the formulaic Hip hop elements that are expected.
Richard: The way you words things, your tone, is really awesome. I really have no criticisms at all. I enjoyed the verse completely. You really know how to encompass a scene and delve into a character's societal upbringing. One thing that felt like off was the zombie part, it was brought into play okay, but the piece could have been even more natural if another twist was added to it. I mean growing up enslaved is already haunting in itself.
Vote: RichardCorey
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