Big Baby - I admire your effort in creating uniquely-expressed ideas, however I found that they were too far removed from real human experience and emotion. Therefore, I had trouble relating to your storyline or investing emotionally in its action.
"lapidary diamond destruction"
"aortic value"
"volcanic assembly"
"a powerless strain"
"mapped out distinction"
"perforated perfection"
"razorbladed ventricle phase"
"pulmonary affection display"
In these opening lines, my mind is buzzing with confusion. These appear on the surface as beautifully concocted turns of phrase, but the surrounding prose does not anchor them properly within the context of the situation you intend to convey. I vaguely understand that there is a protagonist that is going through some kind of a break up - but the emotionality, the relatability of the scene just isn't there for me, so I find it hard to connect.
This criticism takes a shift midway through the verse however.
Quote:
tensions rising, adrenal gland, sinus secretion
no gasps of air in-between kisses, just sighs of relief
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Quote:
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decode the morse of your heartbeat with an ear to your chest
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THERE! These lines evoke emotion. I know and can relate to those feelings and appreciate the poetic phrasing that accompanies them. You've anchored your physiological diction in an accessible emotional picture.
Quote:
but it doesn't matter anymore
you ruined my interpretation of love
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This feels like its in a seventh grader's poetry book, no?
In the second half of the verse, your physiological /biological terminology all goes out the window. I'm glad to see it go, because I appreciate this tone better - but it still feels like a totally separate verse. I feel like for an emotional break-up piece, I should've felt more and connected more strongly with the ideas.
Frank -- Great story. Your style is your style and you don't seem like the kind of guy to change... but this piece feels like it would've been much more effective if you just dialled it down a smidge. The rapid fire rhyming could've still been effective without some of the excessive additions to the scheme that made me groan more than smile along with the action of your narrative.
flimsily cracked
drizzling lapse
drilling tap --- right after SINISTER TAP.
unforgivably has
traditionalist plaid
whipping the gas
dripping with bad -- then cholesterol on the next line
vindictively mashed
These are the examples of entries into your rhyme scheme that were detrimental to the story in my view. Obviously, your rhymes are so voluminous that the piece could be crafted without all these, what I deem, unnecessarily used clunky descriptors that detract from the tone of your verse. Other uses of the rhyme showed me really impressive usage.
digital mass
whispered the Dad
twist of the latch
inexplicable lag
pinning his flag
given the badge
trade rumors between the Knicks and the Cavs
These rhymes used vocabulary that feels indigenous to your story.
These are my criticisms - overall, I am happy with the storyline. It's something topical, relatable -- everyone talks about people potentially walking into traffic playing Pokemon Go. It's whimsical and imaginative -- the Snorlax tries in vain to save the child. It's emotional -- you feel for the child in the end of the piece. It offers a spectrum of emotions -- I just wish it was a little more concise in getting there.
Vote -- Frank