Netcees - View Single Post - RD 1: UnbornBuddha vs Vulgar

Pinot Grij · 09-04-2016, 05:52 PM

Vulgar, this is pretty sharp satire. I did some wiki'ing on this Goebbels character after my first read, and after getting a decent idea of who he was, read it again and I found that the tone of the piece was altered and the wit more striking. The Amazyklon reference had to be the strongest. That takes a great deal of creativity and balls to come up with that and put it out there for an audience that you're not sure gets the reference. I was quite immersed in the world you built and the humour you used. It's a great take on the topic and a solid use of imagination. And overall, it wasn't ham-handed or overly-political. It was fun to read. I was a big fan of this verse. My one critique would be that the product review, you have to assume, is from a Jewish consumer... and we're left with the indication that Das Juden were actively seeking Nazi propaganda to fill their minds. Given that the Nazis hated Jews, why would they want to purchase a propagandist brain?

UnbornBuddha - I feel storywise and tone-wise there's less edge here than in Vulgar's verse. The opening stanza included great rhymes at times, but I think it was a little voerly descriptive and the narrative itself was pretty stagnant. 16 lines felt a little over-indulgent to describe this guy's headaches. The next stanza.. the indicatino is that the drug Verapamil awakens this inner voice that turns him into a hacker. Sounds like a helluva drug! But seriously, I think there needs to be more here and in the resolution.It just kinda felt like, "A guy gets headaches and becomes a hacker". Like, I wanted a little more depth all around to make me relate to Max more.

Vote -- Vulgar
Felt he struck a chord better overall and there was more overall depth to his work.

09-04-2016, 05:52 PM	#7
Pinot Grij Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 863 Battle Record: 23-19 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night 2 - Write Week V - Netcees Battle League (2x) - Winter Topical II - 1-2 Punch league Rep Power: 29195064	Vulgar, this is pretty sharp satire. I did some wiki'ing on this Goebbels character after my first read, and after getting a decent idea of who he was, read it again and I found that the tone of the piece was altered and the wit more striking. The Amazyklon reference had to be the strongest. That takes a great deal of creativity and balls to come up with that and put it out there for an audience that you're not sure gets the reference. I was quite immersed in the world you built and the humour you used. It's a great take on the topic and a solid use of imagination. And overall, it wasn't ham-handed or overly-political. It was fun to read. I was a big fan of this verse. My one critique would be that the product review, you have to assume, is from a Jewish consumer... and we're left with the indication that Das Juden were actively seeking Nazi propaganda to fill their minds. Given that the Nazis hated Jews, why would they want to purchase a propagandist brain? UnbornBuddha - I feel storywise and tone-wise there's less edge here than in Vulgar's verse. The opening stanza included great rhymes at times, but I think it was a little voerly descriptive and the narrative itself was pretty stagnant. 16 lines felt a little over-indulgent to describe this guy's headaches. The next stanza.. the indicatino is that the drug Verapamil awakens this inner voice that turns him into a hacker. Sounds like a helluva drug! But seriously, I think there needs to be more here and in the resolution.It just kinda felt like, "A guy gets headaches and becomes a hacker". Like, I wanted a little more depth all around to make me relate to Max more. Vote -- Vulgar Felt he struck a chord better overall and there was more overall depth to his work. __________________ Topical C.R.E.A.M.