[Pinot Grij]

Dead Man. You're making me work pretty damn hard to understand what's happening here.

I think the pillows themselves would be made of goosefeathers, not the pillowcases, right?

I like the description in this verse - lines chopped up, banal details given center stage.. it really captures the feel of a fucked up relationship that messes with you for being in it. Like, the continuing confusion of being a part of something that one know is wrong - that feeling resonated throughout the piece.

i know that i'm the mistake. another habit to break

I like this a lot.

i found you as an adolescent cradling dreams
acne on your forehead and a fade in your jeans
living for the 3:15 where life can resume
4-wall bedroom and a 20,000-league solitude
waiting for the crackle that a vinyl produces
palmside sobs at sundown. stay asleep until noon
lose faith, gain weight. alcohol and Gatorade
soak in salty serenade. in a panic to paraphrase
articulate anxiety. parents there to interrogate
spit into your face. wait a minute to let it marinate
blank face to strangers and your lovers alike
getting up from bed to leave your husband at night

I feel like the verse loses its way somewhere in here. Like, the progression of the female from an adolescent and then suddenly she's slipping out of bed to cheat on her husband. It felt weird to me. I think the "paraphrase, interrogate, marinate" section doens't really help your storyline.. I don't know what you're getting at with this part, but I feel like the story could've been more lucid here to help me get over the story's hump. Also, all bedrooms have four walls - I would've liked 4-wall apartment better.

snap photographs of moments that you hope to forget

This felt a little self-indulgent to me. Like, poetically it sounds nice but that's about it.

i'm a stone in your chest. nosy and possessive at best
stay with me. stay alone. stay or face consequence
you're an island in the rain. and you're an island in sun
the tattoo on your wrist should be reminder enough
surrounded in sorrow by all the people you love
so you lie and say you only need some time to adjust
what a joke. i've been questioning the point of it all
flip a coin, let it fall. that's the choice you're presented
i'm the voice. i'm a question mark. to live or to liberate
you haven't emptied a dinnerplate since we started to speak
talk to me. talk to nobody but cradle me slow
we're only free if we escape. this much i know.

I thought you finished very strongly.. there's a lot of conflict and tension in these lines. Your speaker knows that he's wrong for the female, but still wants more. Neverthelss, he is willing to exist in this stasis because he's waiting for her to make the decision, for her to choose.

Spitz, this storyline is right up my alley with the dystopian future angle. character is introduced strongly.. I have a big problem with the phrase "chortling wits" though. Sounds awful. There were other great turns of phrase in here though.

as blood clouds into that tube then rushes back to my veins
wracking my brain, the pressure seeps out into willowy bliss
and my mind sharpens til all the little pieces brilliantly fit

Great description and the line's cadence brings the message home strongly.

500 milligrams of banned substance then pumped to my veins
I didn't feel euphoric glory - but the rush was insane

once again, this just feels like great storytelling.

The resolution was really good, I think. This has the feel of Logan's Run or Total Recall but still totally stands apart as its own unique narrative. The Vera-Tru being left as bait is a fun angle.. its as if your speaker flew too close to the sun. I had a lot of fun reading this verse.

I'm leaning more towards Spitz because of the playful, engaging nature of his narrative. I felt like I was in a sci-fi movie. I also envy the thought and construction of Dead Man's dense emotional drama. Overall, I'm somehow touched by its hazy, ethereal feel and how that relates to the nature of the wrongness of the relationship in the verse. That correlation between style and content is pretty cool.

This is a hard one to judge but I'm edging my vote to NYCSPITZ