Cimm's verse was beautiful. I feel like the first four lines could have tied together more strongly. In its essence, it feels like 8 staccato mini-statements. On a personal note, I recently read up on hiking the appalachian trial, so the idea of hiking as a cathartic activity is something that resonates with me right now.. so I was very on board with your concept. The ballet recital metaphor was very strong.. the juxtaposition of the elegance of a ballet recital with the viciousness of cancer really drove home the emotion. The burning Bible image is very strong and conveys a complexity of your character's emotions without having to go incredibly indepth. I like that. Overall, I liked this verse. I don't know if it is something that I would return to read though.
Bags. I read briefly about the controversy of your verse. I don't really think that the contents of this verse constitutes biting - however, I did feel like the use of classic rap lines detracted from the verse itself. I felt like if there was more of a strong link set up to using those lines - like referencing that the kid listened to old Mobb Deep and shit, or something like that, then it would've felt more genuine instead of just slipped in here or there. Like, if the music itself was more intrinsic to the story, then it would've had greater impact. As a whole, I liked some of the writing mechanics, but I feel like it's a story I've heard before. Like, ya boy is basically Ricky from Boyz N The Hood. That being said, there were some strong quotable lines I wanted to draw attention to
Quote:
so fluid. soul music. a fresh breath from the stars.
step in to guard, that crossfade nirvana....electric guitar
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Quote:
chucks on the wire, milk crate on the pole
gunman for hire took em straight to the hole
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There was some great writing interspersed in this verse, but again I just felt that the storyline was something I've seen before without a twist on it.
Vote -- Cimmerian