[Vulgar]

dead man - A word that springs to mind is 'analog' and 'beatnik' as well when thinking over what I just read. Memories of youth, teenage flings, adolescent romances, culminate into the domain of adult affairs. You portrayed the lessons and inherent frailties of cheating, and why it confuses and sets us back. Sexual satisfaction goes away quickly. "Together here all alone" was a great snippet that captures the main theme of the verse. A temporary, baseless rendezvous, reoccurring over weekends and half holidays. The structural style, I feel, gave it more of an open window feel. The room for interpretation seems to extend when lines and rhymes aren't regimented, controlled. My other favorite piece was '20,000 league solitude' in a bedroom. It captures the sensation of being alone in a room, and how that room becomes the world, so detached from everything else outside of it. Especially if the walls are white, for some reason. As far as the topic goes, you were on target, of course. This was a nicely written verse with a patient, light effect. The beginning, middle, and end were all solid.

NYCSPITZ - This was a fairly vintage verse from you, I thought. The first scenes explain the environment and the character's identity, and from there, he narrates his way into an exciting fighting sequence (not samurais this time, jk) and you implement an interesting genre device. In this case, science fiction, where a dome houses humans and robots, or everyone is a cyborg in their own way. This is a panopticon where the thought chancellor controls what is perceived as truth. It's the allegory of the cave, but the futuristic version and with less space for philosophical dialogue. The mechanics weren't as tight as dead man's, I felt. In some spots, i.e. 'fidgety shits' and 'odorous lies' you seemed to sacrifice content for flow. 'Chortling wits' was also a slight let-down from the other stellar build up you were producing. One of the things is you love to rhyme, so you focus heavily on transmitting a certain cadence consistently. I think in order for your more ambitious ideas to get through successfully, you might have to adapt to a less rhyme-heavy style, at least for the intricate sci fi storylines. Just my two cents. You have pulled off the approach before with other work, but the lines were shorter and there wasn't a final action sequence like here. Let me try an analogy here... in James Bond movies, there's usually a vacation scene, like when he's on the beach with Halle Berry. I think intermissions like that add to an overall piece, and slow down the pacing enough for us to enjoy the journey more. Even if it's a microfiction action flick, a small sub-plot can't hurt. The god of this dome world becomes a whistleblower at the end, and it suggests that they will be liberated or destroyed; reminds me of the end of the film I, Robot which has a cliffhanger, but we know what's probably going to ensue afterwards. Overall, I liked it, but I don't think it got the best of dead man's verse.

Vote - dm

It held together as a hivework collage of contemporary cheating. NYC had ambitious eyes set on the horizon of a sci fi thriller, but it lacked tendon strength, and I wasn't completely convinced due to some loose ends with rhyme schemes and diction.