Okay, the structure of the piece needs to be more aligned. The lines should be more consistent with each other, in terms of syllabic length. Some of the longer lines are overwrought and oversaturated. While one can say more with longer lines, you had a tendency to describing similar things with just different words. You could have shortened quite a number of lines and still said the same thing.
There's some nice thoughts, it is very emotional. But sometimes its oversold and it stops it from being captivating. Also your usage of slang 'cuz, tryna, etc' makes the piece read like it was written by someone in grammar school. Albeit sometimes such wording works, here it tends to bring your piece down.
I liked this thought "tryna break free of the chains, cause a chain of events", however your grammar appears a bit lacking. While not bad, it also isn't good. Mechanics help the piece read cleanly and not choppy. The transitioning inside the longer lines sometimes left me somewhat distorted. Mostly because of confusion of verbal conjugation or nominal declension . Those are my thoughts. It was decent, it wasn't bad by any means. Focus more on unraveling your thoughts, and piecing together everything more.
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