[Vapeo]

Originally Posted by Split Eight

I get you're new and I'm not trying to be negative, just direct. I think you're focusing on linking everything together into one cohesive whole dictate how you write. It's good to think of your piece as a unified journey or thought experiment. But it's clear when you stretch a metaphor too far, it sounds corny.

Also, you used many many words to not say anything. Which is fine.

But like, you attempted to sell a rags to riches story. And wrote about how you felt at each point. But no one else will feel that reading your stuff, if you don't give them the experience.

If you want people to feel awe at the sight of a mountain looming over an ocean, you can't cover yourself in sand and saltwater and describe it as "its awesome", right? Show don't tell


Other notes


1. You have to focus on the story you're going to tell.
The story doesn't have to sound like a plot summary of one of Aesop's Fables, you could tell a story by describing your favorite pair of shoes; but you're still telling a story. There's a conclusion you want to reach and a starting point where you begin.


2. You have to not waste words.
Every line, every image/metaphor/concept, should do something productive like:
-add clarifying information about the story, move the plot along
-set up or transition out of a rhyme scheme
-add sensory details or description

3. If a vocab word/ sentence's structure would sound out of place in everyday speech, there's a high chance it's garbage. Nothing will leave a bad taste in your reader's mouth like unnatural grammar and weird word usage

4. When you leave feedback on other people's writing, think about one thing you could learn from what you just read and try to incorporate these things into your writing. Think of everyone else's writing as good in some way. If you want good feedback, youre going to have to start leaving good feedback.

5. It kind of sounds like you're picturing J. Cole spitting your verse as you write it. It doesn't translate well to the page


Best of luck!

haha thx for the feedback