Quote:
To be honest I can’t deal with the slowness, bout to give away my emotions like here
“Just hold this”, then run away from my problems and blame others like Holden,
cuz the only thing I been catching is Ls, feel hopeless.
The slowness? I don't like 'cause the only thing I been catching is Ls'. Its just extra words to describe what you have already described. Also, I picked up on the 'give away my emotions/ hold this' idea, but it's kind of dumb. No one says 'give away their emotions', it seems very forced.
I’m hopping on my train of thought just thinking, and all of a sudden an overwhelming urge comes limping, I’m blinking, I’m crying.
Then I’m forcing tears out my eyes, while another part of me is surprised I can still cry!
It's generally poor practice to get melodramatic about your narrator's emotional response when you haven't gotten into the cause of the effect.
Thought I lost that ability, like I lost my mobility, I can move physically, but what about mentally?
I feel lame when I know that I’m better, my own mind’s holding me back. Its an effective fetter…
Second line does not make sense. And 'effective fetter' is awkward
So I lash out, tryna break free of the chains, cause a chain of events, only to cause more pain
Barely accomplishing nothing, feel overwhelmed by the waves, that I made, the ripples became, big as they aged.
The last portion of this is better than the first, the waves bit. Didnt like the 'chain' concept
I feel like a slave, just a Jack of all trades. Useless! Feeling and questioning like “why was I made?”
My lemonade’s too concentrated, Life gave, too many lemons so I’m puckering up, my face.
What does jack of all trades have to do with this? Lemon idea was cringey
Thought of opening up a lemonade stand, but why drink from a cup when you can drink from the can?
I like the sound of that 'why drink from a cup when you can drink from a can.' But its really corny. Your metaphors are really overstepping their bounds
Now I’m feeling so cynical, “Cup half full”, yeah I used to be that man.
I’m tearing up again crying in my lemonade, oh well I don’t need a fucking stand!
Ima jump out my plane, out my comfort zone, I don’t give a fuck where I’m gonna land.
Uninspired
I see my haters, I say hello to them. They remind me of Salem in The Crucible
awful
I want approval but they want my removal, til I prove to them that I’m not movable
I liked how this flowed
Now I’m a fixture, they literally still sleeping on me though
Watch, when I get big money they gon come through
Girls everywhere all up on me tryna be my hoe
Then I’ll hit them with the Little Red Hen swerve oh!
Nah
I changed my flow, I changed my style up
Rewriting my life up, now with a stylus
I liked this line
I almost drowned under the weight of it all but
Now look at me I’m a whole mile up!
I hit the glo up, I don’t care what you think
I been almost at the brink, don’t care what life brings
I was catching Ls but now I’m steady undefeated
Floating on the wind, I’m Vapeo go repeat it.
not feeling
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I get you're new and I'm not trying to be negative, just direct. I think you're focusing on linking everything together into one cohesive whole dictate how you write. It's good to think of your piece as a unified journey or thought experiment. But it's clear when you stretch a metaphor too far, it sounds corny.
Also, you used many many words to not say anything. Which is fine.
But like, you attempted to sell a rags to riches story. And wrote about how you felt at each point. But no one else will feel that reading your stuff, if you don't give them the experience.
If you want people to feel awe at the sight of a mountain looming over an ocean, you can't cover yourself in sand and saltwater and describe it as "its awesome", right?
Show don't tell
Other notes
1. You have to focus on the story you're going to tell.
The story doesn't have to sound like a plot summary of one of Aesop's Fables, you could tell a story by describing your favorite pair of shoes; but you're still telling a story. There's a conclusion you want to reach and a starting point where you begin.
2. You have to not waste words.
Every line, every image/metaphor/concept, should do something productive like:
-add clarifying information about the story, move the plot along
-set up or transition out of a rhyme scheme
-add sensory details or description
3. If a vocab word/ sentence's structure would sound out of place in everyday speech, there's a high chance it's garbage. Nothing will leave a bad taste in your reader's mouth like unnatural grammar and weird word usage
4. When you leave feedback on other people's writing, think about one thing you could learn from what you just read and try to incorporate these things into your writing. Think of everyone else's writing as good in some way. If you want good feedback, youre going to have to start leaving good feedback.
5. It kind of sounds like you're picturing J. Cole spitting your verse as you write it. It doesn't translate well to the page
Best of luck!