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Old 06-30-2016, 07:49 PM   #2
PancakeBrah
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I prefer this style of yours to any other I've seen from you. Although this, too, suffered from being too broad and didactic like your other pieces, this at least seemed human. Maybe I'm just influenced by the first person perspective. Probably. Usually you stuff your pieces with these ten cent words that make everything so stilted and faux academic, in a way that really puts me off. Some of my favorite writers here will throw around some vocab, but when you do it it seems like the entire point. If you get what I'm saying. Whereas this said what it wanted to and was more concise.

I then looked toward the hamsters’ wheels and upgraded their modest engines,

This is good! Hamster wheel is cliche but I enjoyed 'modest engines' in relation to it. And worked with what you were saying, as opposed to being some non sequitur.

There were some clunky spots ('never lonely', 'excuses' reason' and 'manifestation [I have decided to be anti-manifestation, forever, in regards to Open Mics]) but this was so much more readable than the other pieces I've seen from you. So, good! Stuff to build on. Thanks for the read.
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Last edited by PancakeBrah; 06-30-2016 at 09:32 PM.
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