good reads fellas...
asylum
I like the way you're able to set-up the scene both through visual language but also through action and narrative. It helps to really build a vivid image of your written content. In terms of flow, this was good, but I felt like there were a couple of spots where you could have made some adjustments to help...
From far away across the battlefield, through thickets, bushes and trees,
I saw white picket fences tumbling and crashing, being pushed by a tsunami.
Here's an example. you've got bushes and trees/pushed by a tsunami on the end, but there's too many syllables between bushes/pushed and trees/mi to make the multi really work. So, let's say you take out the 'away' from the beginning of the first line, and make 'trees' 'palm trees' at the end of the first line. now you have
From far across the battlefield, through thickets, bushes and palm trees
I saw white picket fences tumbling and crashing, being pushed by a tsunami
so now you're multi has an extra syllable, it flows nicer, and you haven't had to sacrifice anything. I don't think what I've written there is perfect, but it can help to make the overall read smoother imo.
Still, I really enjoyed this piece, especially the way you wrapped it up. There was emotion there, a heart-wrenching indifference that's ultimately born out of survival.
NYCSPITZ
I enjoyed almost everything about this piece. The only thing that irks me is the ending, on the first read it felt very abrupt. On a second read it didn't feel as abrupt, but it still felt a little off. Maybe it's just me. Also, didn't quite get the use of sun rays/sunrays in the opening line tbh. That being said, I like that you took the literal Roman approach to the latin phrase, and built a battle story out of it. It allowed you to use diction that helps make the piece feel like itself, if you know what I mean. Flow was on point, easy to read. While your piece doesn't have the same level of emotion that asylum's does, I think your piece outweighs his in other aspects that edge you slightly overall.
Enjoyed them both, but in the end I've got NYC taking it by a bit. Had his flow been less solid, or had asylum taken some kind of a twist that really pulled at the heart strings, it could've gone differently in my eyes. But here and now...
v/ NYC
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