LOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLLOLOLO
~NO SHOW SHINE~
Produced by: nO gOoD!
Buddha - Damn this was nice as fuck.
I liked this portion here
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Originally Posted by Buddah
Master Li had to flee in the path of trees
Screaming, "You bastards believe you can capture me!?"
He laughs, it seems in these woods he could at least be in peace
Until he slips and trips and snags his knee and scares a lady
Who's there with a baby that's wrapped in sheets,
She tries to crawl back and leave but her body's tapped, she's weak
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The internals carried this along real smooth. I enjoyed the cadence of it. I could spit this to a beat. which immediately gets a point for that.
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Originally Posted by Buddah
The Orphan sat in peace and calm staring at the leaves of fall
Until a wounded soldier released a call deep in the hall,
"So you're the chosen one? Do you know what you've done?
Don't you know you need us all!?
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again the internals were a nice addition.. multies throughout. technically this was spot on imo.
you showed us how its done like a Master. Nice piece throughout.
Aesthetic - this was raw. Technically it was simple, but how you placed a few lines made it a little difficult to follow a flow to it. However, this was on some realness. You had so many real descriptive lines that could have some serious weight to them if you added some internals and some multies.
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Originally Posted by Aesthetic
The hardest days of work Iv ever felt.
Toeline on the metal thinking about heaven and hell.
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I liked this piece alot. But this is where to critique right? And I aint gonna sugar coat it bro. This is full of spelling errors, so it makes me stop reading to sort out in my head what you were trying to get across. Like the word callysas I assumed you meant calluses. So with that, Id say my advice would be to spellcheck and try switching up a few schemes into your stories and flex a bit with the technical side, multies, internals, different poetic elements to further grab the attention of the reader. Alliteration, Assonance, and some others would take your verses to a new level.
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Aesthetic
dont wanna suffer worst then this! wrench in hand with a clenched fist.
I tell my boss what was completed and about renovations.
Before I leave, he asks with a sly grin; when did you clock in?
......My life has just flashed, no job; no rent by the next payment.
No girl no friend's and an ugly self entertainment.
That's it, it's decided
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I really liked this section here. Along with most of this piece I really enjoyed reading. Nice showing. I will keep my eye out for your verses dude. I can see dopeness within..