[Adonis]

Jay - Opener should be one of your best lines and saying "EVERYONE fails" is just too vague, to be fair this may tie into the whole but I haven't got that far yet. You also said "he's either" but I think you missed the "or" in the following line or simply forgot to list number two. Liked the finish product, on second read I noticed "oddly tale" and feel oddly is the wrong tense of the word in your sentence. I think you had a grand idea, and that idea is a dope concept, but I think the idea was too big for this shortish piece. Conceptually this has crazy potential and I wish it were fleshed out further because in the grand scheme of things your execution simply lacked. Decent verse that is over shadowed by a great concept that stumbled do the brevity.

Pat - I love what you did with giving the inferno lips, causing the embers, or the like, to melt your boots to the floor. Dope imagery and wording. I think you got lost or pivoted half way through and changed the verse off. There are many holes in the story. Cars melting which is heavy duty steel, yet people are running around. Started with a hole in earth and quickly went to zombies. You also had a lot of awkward sentences, either missing a coma or something.... IDK, not really feeling this one, though it had it's bright spots. You tell really good fast paced stories though, I feel like that might be your specialty and 'go-to' when you quick write something.


v/mr. J

He may not have wrote the more entertaining verse, but execution and conceptually and flow wise I enjoyed his more so....