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Old 05-18-2016, 09:19 PM   #7
UnbornBuddha
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Innovator you had some nice imagery, fitting as the spectator of the city took note of the myriad sights therein. I liked the portrait, but did have an element of detachment that made the piece feel intangible. Feels like there could have been something more impactful that would have made the observations more important for the readers.

Adonis: I get the allusion of it but don't understand this idea of "Mars" and why that was chosen as the destination for the afterlife. I also think your first stanza is your weakest, mostly because you painted the void but chose to do it in a typical fashion and could have added more of a unique vision to its emptiness. The words were the kind one tends to expect when describing such things, add a little spice to it, something less expected even when describing nothingness.

Vote: Adonis (I think his piece covers a bit more ground). It's a close battle though.
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