[NYCSPITZ]

I liked this battle, I mean it was cool shit my brothas. Artifice you chose a straightforward story of a love stricken high school couple which was cool. I thought although it was mostly simple diction, it came across as rather ingenious as the devil was in the details - the bus scene where she's playing with her hair and giving the old lady her seat and then they kiss was very realistic and gave me the air that this is based on a true story or keen observation of others interacting this way in high school. It was light, upbeat and positive and I like that. Enjoyable. As good as it was I think it picked up in the second half, just overall a really cool enjoyable vibe to it...good job

Adverse, I like the verse broski. You set the scene well with the beginning, going on adventures, light up sketchers etc. It added an element of allure to it. I particularly thought the section from the delorean allegory to him speaking at Emily's funeral was delicately worded and an excellent way to switch to that phase of the story. Overall your written contained more complex writing mechanisms and had loftier ideals insofar as complexity and scheme, mixing in dialogue and all that. There are a couple of things that make the story implausible though. First, a little girl builds a corvette with her dad is unlikely. It would take all kinds of money and sophisticated tools that little girls don't use, and they'd have to custom order all the parts etc, there may be laws against indivudals replicating cars like that etc etc. It's implausible but not a big deal. What hinders the verse is that you paced the story too fast. You make it seem like he doesn't really know Emily that well then all of a sudden they're in front of her home talking as normally as could be. A lot of the wording seemed unnatural like: "Said we wouldn't stop till we were dead, this is a project of our unrest!" but I understand how hard it can be to make dialogue rhyme - it's just not done in real life. But, he goes from not really knowing her, to having an animated convo with no bridge between the two scenes really, to having her dad pop out of nowhere and drive to her untimely end. It was a laudable effort and large in scope, but in the end it could have been executed better IMO. I still enjoyed the verse, the little details like his hands shaking at the funeral gives your boy the feels, but I think you can write a cleaner verse in the end. Lots of potential.

V/ Artifice