Obviously Jesodist got this, Witty did not hit his stride due to whatever misunderstanding occurred. Jesodist won his because he wrote something complete.
Nevertheless, Jesodist there are some blunders that I think you ought to consider. There were spelling mistakes, there were times when you used wrongly verb tenses, and at times you ended your thoughts with double adjectives "cynical infernal". While I also saw a notion in your verse, there was no cohesive substratum. If we compared your piece to matter, it simply divided and divided, but never coalesced to something with greater meaning. My advice is to not focus so much on rhyming, and more on developing a more sequential train of thought, maybe with less demons and gore. This theme impedes you from exploring other avenues.
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