Netcees - View Single Post - Week 10: Mr. J vs Adonis [MR. J WINS 4-1]

Frank · 05-11-2016, 05:49 PM

Adonis
Comparing sneezing in someones face to blasting an assault weapon at them is clever, imo. Was fond of the revealing. The build up wasn't what it potentially could've been, which is unfair to say, because this might very well be your 'ceiling'. You went for close quarters story telling, with every line, built upon, others. But what was actually transpiring? Didn't sense much thought progression. Though I do think this a focused effort on your behalf. Technically sound: with a point of utilizing multies early on. Later on - you would revert back to a more poetic flow, neglecting the usage of multies all together, which is something you are more prone to do. Such a clear and sudden contrast in rhyming styles was interesting, to say the least. You know I prefer your less rigid rhymes, opposed to when you awkwardly attempt to conform to the standard ABAB Schemes. Couple moments confused me. For instance, 'scoot' on your hands? Capitalizing Mr. J's name for the 3rd consecutive time? lol. Yeah, it was cool the first time but, that tactics lost its magic now. Calling Mr. J a dick and capitalizing his name again just makes you look like a one trick poney, kid. You lose major points in my book for that. Found it pathetic actually, lol. Idea is dope otherwise, you just didn't give that dope idea the proper attention it deserved creatively speaking.
Mr. J
High speed chase setting with a lot of shifting from line to line without much momentous 6-10 line run offs that you normally fire off. This was totally immersive though. You successfully created a bandit and copper, old-school, getaway scene, equipped with car jargon references. Personally felt like I was riding shotgun through the whole verse. Good job conceptually. Putting the reader into the car with you and keeping them enthralled with unexpected turn of events. Cool. The first time I read this, it ended on a "fawking cars an automatic". It appears you've added a different ending. You from Boston? Nonetheless, I dipped my donut in that troopers 7/11 coffee. The mechanics could've used a little tightening to truly make the verse excel off the page. Good action based approach to the topic. Sometimes the most obvious approach is the key.

Overall
Adonis flipped the topic more creatively, but Mr. J did so more thoroughly and convincingly.

You guys are quickly becoming one of the better rivalires in the history of the AOWL.

MVGT Mr. J

pardon the brevity

05-11-2016, 05:49 PM	#4
Frank Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 3,228 Champed - NWL Season 2 - Art of Writing League (5x) - Lime Green Poetry Association - AOWL Season 6 - AOWL Season 10 Rep Power: 3853347	Adonis Comparing sneezing in someones face to blasting an assault weapon at them is clever, imo. Was fond of the revealing. The build up wasn't what it potentially could've been, which is unfair to say, because this might very well be your 'ceiling'. You went for close quarters story telling, with every line, built upon, others. But what was actually transpiring? Didn't sense much thought progression. Though I do think this a focused effort on your behalf. Technically sound: with a point of utilizing multies early on. Later on - you would revert back to a more poetic flow, neglecting the usage of multies all together, which is something you are more prone to do. Such a clear and sudden contrast in rhyming styles was interesting, to say the least. You know I prefer your less rigid rhymes, opposed to when you awkwardly attempt to conform to the standard ABAB Schemes. Couple moments confused me. For instance, 'scoot' on your hands? Capitalizing Mr. J's name for the 3rd consecutive time? lol. Yeah, it was cool the first time but, that tactics lost its magic now. Calling Mr. J a dick and capitalizing his name again just makes you look like a one trick poney, kid. You lose major points in my book for that. Found it pathetic actually, lol. Idea is dope otherwise, you just didn't give that dope idea the proper attention it deserved creatively speaking. Mr. J High speed chase setting with a lot of shifting from line to line without much momentous 6-10 line run offs that you normally fire off. This was totally immersive though. You successfully created a bandit and copper, old-school, getaway scene, equipped with car jargon references. Personally felt like I was riding shotgun through the whole verse. Good job conceptually. Putting the reader into the car with you and keeping them enthralled with unexpected turn of events. Cool. The first time I read this, it ended on a "fawking cars an automatic". It appears you've added a different ending. You from Boston? Nonetheless, I dipped my donut in that troopers 7/11 coffee. The mechanics could've used a little tightening to truly make the verse excel off the page. Good action based approach to the topic. Sometimes the most obvious approach is the key. Overall Adonis flipped the topic more creatively, but Mr. J did so more thoroughly and convincingly. You guys are quickly becoming one of the better rivalires in the history of the AOWL. MVGT Mr. J pardon the brevity __________________ *VETWORK* Last edited by Frank; 05-12-2016 at 12:31 PM.