Netcees - View Single Post - Week 9: (5-3) Asylum vs. (2-0) NYCSPITZ (NYCSPITZ WINS SHUTOUT 6-0)

Adonis · 05-05-2016, 12:00 AM

Pat - you had a nice concept but took the wrong angle. I do this often I think. I don't want to write the same verse, so I think a little to outside the box. If you went with the "meet" instead of connection with grandfather the verse would have panned out better, the catch 22 is, that's cliché. In any case, decent verse for what it is. Needed to be a little longer to fully connect the reader to verse. Just read the topic, I see what you did and bravo.

NYC - "stepped" in back to back sentences. a bit sci-fi no? I imagined this portal to look like the ball at the end of "the day the earth stood still". Some decent imagery, not much in way of conversation to truly give context. You also touched on bridge, where as asylum went full blown with it.

This is a tough vote, both writers had eerily similar concepts, only one was sci-fi with a glowing orb and the other was memory based. Asylum barely touched on his girl where NYC fully submerged in his cafe.

Close bout. NYC had the better detail though

So v/NYC

05-05-2016, 12:00 AM	#6
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946449	Pat - you had a nice concept but took the wrong angle. I do this often I think. I don't want to write the same verse, so I think a little to outside the box. If you went with the "meet" instead of connection with grandfather the verse would have panned out better, the catch 22 is, that's cliché. In any case, decent verse for what it is. Needed to be a little longer to fully connect the reader to verse. Just read the topic, I see what you did and bravo. NYC - "stepped" in back to back sentences. a bit sci-fi no? I imagined this portal to look like the ball at the end of "the day the earth stood still". Some decent imagery, not much in way of conversation to truly give context. You also touched on bridge, where as asylum went full blown with it. This is a tough vote, both writers had eerily similar concepts, only one was sci-fi with a glowing orb and the other was memory based. Asylum barely touched on his girl where NYC fully submerged in his cafe. Close bout. NYC had the better detail though So v/NYC __________________ I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR Last edited by Adonis; 05-05-2016 at 12:27 AM.