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Old 04-27-2016, 04:47 PM   #8
NYCSPITZ
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,031
Battle Record: 31-37


Champed
- Write Night II
- Alias Topical Tournament

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Cool battle, though I thought both had more to offer than their respective pieces show. Asylum started off great, nice shot lines, storytelling, setting the scene...good flow. My thing is, why would a group of kids who have porsches and ferraris follow the loser of the pack to an abandoned house? I just don't see that happening in any reality I'm accustomed to. I did think the ending was cool, staring into her eyes after he killed her all psycho like that. Personally, I don't like gore pieces, but this one was ok. Thought you could've added a bit more suspense and scenery and smoothness if you gave some more effort. I'd have to give this one about a C+, 78-79 range. Seen better from you family.

Symetrik's was a little bit hard to follow. I'm 17% fluent in Spanish according to my duolingo app, but honestly have no idea wtf you're saying in spanish for the most part. CONOS. So the dude is out of his mind, bi-polar basically and in the end he killed her or something. Pretty hard to follow, but I did think the change in language added a sort of mystique to it. Googling the phrases, I guess it sort of works. The structural flow of this is good, but internally it could have used a bit more explanation. You can't leave THAT MUCH to the reader's imagination. I'd give this a 80-82 or in the B - range.

Overall I got Symetrik Edging it, but honestly I hate horror type writtens. If this was more of a different type of battle, I'm sure I would've appreciated the work more, but overall I got...


V/ symetrik
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