head over my spurred heels she took my heart with some safety,
my barn and my lady both harboured & praised me -
.. til they moved in the dead of the night to startle my baby
faceless and silent, tastless and violent they left me a note
my breath in my throat, destined to choke
i rode for the nearest town to see what the letter invoked..
This is a great start, your setting up the story but with such a tasteful rhyme scheme to kick it off your keeping my concentration for the next part...too many writers recently been really struggling with a set up, some just jump straight into it or some just bore you before you get to it. So props on this, it makes a longer piece so much more easier/enjoyable to read
i was never cooth. guns blazing, impartial as law, a martyr of war!
leave these Marks on the floor, rifle aimed w/ light disdain, sparking a brawl..
Lol this was for me the bar of the verse, really flows of the tounge while keeping the heated feel of the verse.
and
it's all my foolish fault, he steps out w/ his best pout,
hat peak covers a golden eye-patch folded right back
zeus's bolts do revolt to stress how he grew an olden style tache..
i just want my stolen wife back!
duel. to. the. death. i know he'd like that..
This is literally bang on, worded perfectly
hand at my holster, can't get it closer - i'm just acting, truly
dont stand a chance 'gainst someone who faced active duty, & black with cruelty
This is me being tight really but this was the only let down for me in the 3rd.. but
i am being tight, not sure why, feel the fire flickered here
facts will ruin me, i close my eyes and prepare for hades faith..
until lightning shows my ladies face,
my fingers slip on the trigger, hands quaking with fear
whip up two guns & see he's got two facing me here,
nice ending to a great piece
Fire dude, titled well (drew me in) really liked how you kept the story/narrative going well and kept to your topic while using a nice rhyme scheme/nice vocab/fair share of multis.
Going to have to reread it and might even break this down proper styley was a nice read - aint seen one in here for a while worth dusting the keyboard off for...
@Split will need to check yours out in a min I imagine this will be def worth reading
@Orc appreciate if you could give the older piece i dropped a peep (broken minded linked in my sig) - would be interested in getting your views on what you liked / where you feel i could improve.