[Pharaohs Army]

I love most of your opening couplets...they're dope.
Would encourage any serious writer to read them, even if they don't take the time to read in its entirety like I did.

Tbh if you spliced your openers and smacked them one after another, that's like a Cliff Notes piece right there...
And I'm not kidding; I actually did it &looked@ it.

you come with some clever phrasing and emotive statements.

Along with a lot of "good",, there are some slight structure improvements that would improve this... as you've qualified, it's not the "tightest flowing".
It certainly is, in some parts. But yes, other parts not as tight.

As I've said, if you put the same effort into the whole stanza as you did for the opener, then there'd be more consistency.
We're all guilty of this but I see it in this piece.

I Can tell day 12 was more of a freewrite... whether you were drunk/high/'especially sad'/or writing quickly
Or a combination of all of the above
Day 12 did not show the same creativity as some other days, with respect to style.
---


On our last day together you got up at 3 am to drive him to the airport
In that very car that I worked so hard and saved for

I like that slant rhyme.
I'm guessing the second that is very de-emphasized
(that's not for you syk, that's for other readers^)

I heard once love is blind and I guess that must be true
Because when I see nothing else somehow I still see you

I'd suggest perhaps swapping the order of the words on the second line

I heard once love is blind and I guess that must be true
Because when I see nothing else I somehow still see you

The first way is not "wrong" per say... just food for thought.

I'm leaning on a broken crutch trying to regain some composure
And believing if I open up I'll be paid with some closure

Don't like the some on that second line.
I tried it a couple ways and don't have a great suggestion.
A comma really muddied things up and I didn't like it.

Maybe just leave it as is, but give a nice dash for the readers
And believing if I open up - I'll be paid with some closure

Hope you don't mind a couple suggestions
These are small examples--- rhythm/syllable stuff...
based on your opening couplets I'd say you'll be fine if you try to follow those kind of formats.
I'm not trying to discount the rest of the stanza, and I'm sure those lines are important with respect to the narrative&content... I'm just saying they didn't have the same oomf as the beginnings.
You have room to grow as a writer but I like this