[Adonis]

Dub - First off, that first stanza killed me, in a negative way. That shit was mad bubbly and I hated it, though the final 3 bars or so in said stanza killed. This Bitchhhhhhh. For all the flack you give me, did you just say encumbered? HAHAH. *Lung* not lunge. OK, so the bubbles never stopped, but you accomplished what you set out to do. You gave just enough background to muster emotion out of this stone. Though I hate the premise, i commend you for choosing it. This is not a type of verse the average writer can create. This is chalk full of imagery and the small things, emotion and character. You executed the verse perfectly, from top to bottom. Story kept the pace while simple polish, proof reading and editing, truly shined in my eyes. This is an art completely lost on these youths that be "rapping" today. So thank you for doing that for me, dope verse, but considering I knowingly say "dope" yet hated the underlying message and overall concept, well, that should speak volumes. That, and the only thing I can correct is a word or two and two commas, solid writing brethren.


Time - First off Time, let me say, purely from pace of thought and flow stand point of view, this verse is masterful. "Drawn out faces, so plain with disgrace and complacent." Complacent is out of place. I brought this up because I feel I should always point out at least one simple flaw, but the impressive part is I had to dig in order to just find one. I don' know where to begin with this honestly, let me start with you win. You kept up a this A//AB, BC//CC, CD flow precise. I don't know else to explain it beside that. The impressive part is the syllable count. Because you chose to implore such an intense and hard pressed attack, you had to minimize anything that didn't rhyme. Now, I've seen this go one of two ways. Either the flow is on point WITH proper sentences, or the flow is amazing but half the words just don't mean shit phonetically. Yours was the first version, but at an all time great version of it. You had two instances where the wording didn't work but flow kept pace, one of them was a reach on my end, the other, a reach on your end. Either way

You wrote us a memoir where the dude is fucked 7 days from Sunday. Some will say, "You took the polar opposite route of Just Write". I don't think it was premeditated though honestly. I think you crafted this verse piece by piece but let it ride in the end.

V/ Timeless

Over-weight, middle aged bald man with no friends over a love story done the proper way