Breath, had such a difficult time in reading this. Idk if you think you're being original with the way you structured the first half of your verse or what, but yo it just doesn't work bro. The pushover of rhyme schemes into the next line is so abusive to the smoothness you could potentially have. Other than that I thought this was fairly solid overall. I dug the fuck out of how it ended. The whole time it's like I was waiting for something to happen but nothing really did. I just pictured a kid with his hat low staring at the ground lol.
Zeedee, details galore, a smorgasbord of sexual interactions that would rise the dick of Adonis I'm sure. There was ALOT of filler and forced rhymes in this verse. Very unappealing, and honestly I think you lost my vote because of that. Your story could've been better as well, the ending did nothing for me. Work on your cadence, you're overworking everything and your piece drowns in itself.
V. Breathless
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