[Adonis]

Write - "he lacked to find his nack or placement" I did't like this line, it reads weird. This was a strange story for me, I applaud you for writing it. I'll try to explain, if this were a movie it would be boring as shit right? I mean not much happened here, just a dumb kid who read books and didn't do shit really, then saw the light and bang. I hope you aren't taking any of this wrong so far.... In any case, I commend you for writing with a simple approach, no fireworks or clumsy surprise ending, just a story about a life. You pretty much striped a verse down and allowed your mechanics to take front and center. Other then the line I quoted, your mechanics were on point all across the board. This was a well written story, thank you.


sym - You had flashes of some really good writing patterns mixed in with some jumbled mechanics in a short verse that didn't quite materialize well enough. "I am, giver of the saline drip to drum up a clean bill. Yet she nods her head to morphine like she's never heard of free will." This is an example of one of your better lines. You did a lot of story telling in a small space while giving the read some life as far as physical action. The finish to the story missed slightly in my eyes because I don't think you built the characters enough, basically, the story was a bit short, felt incomplete, like it was missing massive interior and plot lines. I also didn't like the bar that ended in "frankly" the second line didn't feel natural grammatically, and I just felt like if you spent a little extra time on that bar in particular, you could have found a better fitting rhyme pattern while keeping the same content.



v/ Just write

better verse overall