Adonis- This was an okay piece. The first half led me on to believe it was a metaphor for war with the sweating bullets and the like, but those parts were but mere plays on words. Cool nonetheless. The second half was better, but the switch from the words misery to reality kinda felt jarring as a rhyme transition, not sure if that's just me. The kiss line at the end sealed this piece well however, and I appreciate your ability to write shorter and still deliver quality stories. One day I will dabble, but until then, good job.
asylum- First off, I'll start by saying- who says engorging in relation to empowering a mass of people? Then who says the root word twice in one piece? That was a little off for me lol. Now that that's out the way, this piece was awesome in the fact that you pretty much summed up the opening scene to Saving Private Ryan when the troop made landfall and Hanks witnessed this almost exactly. Great descriptors, turns of phrase ,and just above decent wording all around. It really started to flow about halfway through and that's when your rhyming and mechanics drove the car. Every time I read you it seems like I'm reading you for the first time, and it's kinda hilarious the way I always forget how good you are at rhyming. I liked your execution and I liked how passionate your piece read. Good job.
MVGT Asylum for the more enjoyable and imaginative read.
__________________
Ahem.
|