[Adonis]

Jes - You're opening bar is most likely the most important one, and I'm not sure yours is a proper sentence. "The government declare war began arming Brothers and Babies". I think you're going for "A nation that declared war began arming brothers and babies". You then had cages as an end rhyme just a few lines apart. "One a hand his child on the Other a green Suited Rifle," WTF is this man? Beginning to get upset that I'm reading right now. A lot of carless errors that a quick proof read could cure. "An army Driven by not The Fear of defeat but by the Glory of Victory, " This was dope though, the next couple lines in fact. Flashes of solid writing, the talent is there if you can clean shit up some.


Vag - <---Best abbreviated name ever, and this is the one I'll be using from now on. Pronounced like VaaJJ, like Vagina. I'm stoned, sorry. Vote Vivid with the opening bar, I'll read on, but damn you got a way with first person stories. Asleep*, "Son, why aren't *asleep". I didn't like the change from narrating the boy's whirlwind of emotion to all the sudden it's "me" instead of "He". Solid ending, but somewhere in the middle I began fading in terms of being captivated by the story. Execution on plot was there, but that change up from narrating to first person sort of disinterested me if I can be honest. was still a solid read though, had it's high moments which over shadowed the rest.


Voting Vag

better overall execution