[Adonis]

Franker, first off, "rancidly reeks" comes off as a bit redundant, and I feel like you did this a lot in this particular verse in order to hit your multies. I liked the build up the most, the first scene of passengers with no names was a bit fast paced and enjoyable. The story though, left me wanting more. The strange thing is I'm not sure what else you can add. Overall, decent read that falls a bit short in terms of what I expect from you.

RA First off, let me get a couple things off my chest. "A belly rub brought hope figured it's a coat" is missing a coma of some sorts. "Amazingly real" is not natural, and though many writers can get away with this eye trick for flow, your short formatting in terms of length makes these types of things more glaring. You actually didn't use any comas I noticed, and more then once it was needed. Not sure why, given the length you were rushed, yes, even this is a short Razah verse. I do have a sore spot for true, or classical, topicals. This one in particular though seemed lacking. You through a grazing blow at creating a connection followed up by a couple jabs in terms of plot, and or ending. In the end, following a bit short on a week you could have easily won on raw flow and minor concept alone.


This battle was rather underwhelming in all honesty. You each are far better then you performed here, and yet still, would probably beat a good portion of AOWL enthusiasts still. I think you are both talented writers and hope you take this in a way of motivation, whether angered by the comments or agreeing and wanting to try harder. Either way I look forward to mopping the floor with both of you at some point this season, vote me.



Vote Frank

action packed storyline trumps a pure topical that didn't create a connection strong enough to fill the proper amount of emotion