Adonis:
Quote:
|
His squadron is scattered with shrapnel as casualties
|
Cool verse, short & sweet. Wording was on point, made the flow come off smoothly, I liked the alliteration in that bar I quoted. Besides that, it was an okay story which comes off as better due to the wording.
Asylum:
What’s going on with the rhyme scheme from the beginning? That was a little weird.
Quote:
|
the clattering firing pin lit a fire inside of him you’ll never see alive in men,
|
I can’t really tell why, but I thought that was dope.
Quote:
Because they needed ammo and reenforcing ranks to move in,
To counter an unending amount of troops sent.
Death invites you to it’s den, who lives and who dies’ decided by forces within,
dozens of steel tags adorned with identities, engorging the enemy,
with it’s million legs forming like centipedes.
Conform for an entity, engorged but remembered,
war torn flags burn to ashes and embers.
|
Solid closer, very very solid. At first read, I felt like the rhyming was all over the place and kind of jittery. I read the verse a second time, and it came off more natural and allowed me to enjoy what you wrote.
Easy vote for me, and I’m not even sure if it’s fair, I’m just putting Adonis at a standard where I expected a little more from him, but on the other hand, I expected less from Asylum and got more from his verse. Is that a good enough reason?? :/
vAsylum