[Just Write]

ok first off, netcees needs to incorporate an auto-save feature so someone doesnt lose an entire vote like i did yesterday, i got pissed off and had to walk away from my pc lol, (if you guys need help with this pm me)


ok so, for the second time



@Adonis, i loved this man, before you even let on in the chat and discussion thread that you wrote this entire piece i knew you did, you have a very unique style which i actually admire, funny thing is after knowing what you look like it surprises me that you write so eloquently lol, (thats meant as a compliment btw) you look like one of my friends who is a burning man go-er, someone who parties more than not haha. anyways moving on i really loved this line right here for some reason, it was so simple yet creative

Two laces short of a set
A pair of Jordans where Jumpman’s facing the left

i immediately looked to my shoes and dare i say it? giggled, but in a manly way. i however did not like these following lines

Reality infused imagination
This young sprat grew in maturation

i find the -tion rhymes to just be gaudy and i tend to try and not use them, also maturation? i actually dont know what that means but at first glance i think it derives from the word mature, which if it did would not rhyme with imagination, well not how i say it back to myself, and tbh its hard enough to get someone to read a piece let alone look up definitions, pronunciation, or search for a pieces "deeper meaning". this is why i PERSONALLY stray away from anything i think the majority of the reading audience would not understand, but again this is minor personal preference issues, and i only bring this up because we talked about the whole constructive criticism thing, so i wanted to give you a better feed than normal. moving on, i also enjoyed the "DUI/merit walking her path" line, very creative

So… Down a poorly lit alley she sang, jingling keys
But he inched near too loud as she reached for some peace

i think this would have read smoother had you left out the word "some" in the second line, again only personal preference.

i also enjoyed this couplet very much,

Darkness devours
Every speckle of light retreats in a cower
I enter the scene; slithering silent
A black cloak masking chivalrous violence

i tend to add these to my pieces a lot lol

this next quoted portion was really great,

Passing chills down a spine overpowering limbs
Leaving hair raised, changing color to a powdery print
I’m the Dark Knight, the Yang to what’s angelic
The gavel of justice punching holes in your ballot
We’ll have a swell time, but then again, time no longer exists
Please, sit. Enjoy torture, my only real gift

i was starting to highlight which part i wanted to quote and it just kept going lol, i did not get the coaster line though, maybe because im a little tired but still, even though i really enjoyed the "cock back til your fuckin nuts burst line (it made me lol) i felt it was very much out of place in this piece, a far as the whole mood you set.

the ending was on point, i really enjoyed how it was death talking to him and was basically saying "nah dude, you're safe as long as you keep sendin those bodies my way" lol. plus the last line put a raher nice exclamation point on the piece. very nice drop adonis.



@UnbornBuddha
i really enjoyed this opening

Celestial mutant, bending spoons with other metahumans.
No, the truth is I’m under duress from mental confusion
I guess I’m distressed from being so pensive and stupid.
Now, I suffer demented delusions because my heart is troubled.
Somatizing my psychological struggles with carpal tunnel

as soon as you said metahumans i was thinking of the flash and star city lmao, yes im a fan. i also enjoyed the aabbb rhyme scheme, the switch was on point. ive tried to pull this off but there's always that one person who is like "your end rhymes dont match, boo" and discourages any further experimentation of rhyme patterns/schemes. but again this was done nicely.

Being alive just to count the days toward a meaningless death. Sickly quest.

i enjoyed this line as well but i think the whole "sickly quest" add on should have been left off, again this is personal preference.

Cynical Illinois men due to not seeing sunshine for months on end.
I’m sun obsessed. I love watching my girlfriend dance around in her summer dress.

ayyy, i was just in chicago on a layover the other day... tbh, i probably didnt do it right because i tried to get some pizza on my 1 hour layover (yea, how fuckin touristy of me) but that shit was gross lmao. also i really enjoyed the summer dress line, i dont know why. i guess it dropped a bit of personality to the piece.

Writing about my perception of my body brings out dysmorphia.
But, the flaws are as imaginary as a perfect Utopia.
My body has a head, legs, and arms like Exodia.

now im just being honest here, i really disliked this section, not for what you were trying to say, but for the same reason i told adonis about the maturation word, i dont know a couple of the words and im not so involved in this writing thing that im going to go look up the meaning and pronunciation, now i know you cant help people being more stupid than yourself or the fact that someone doesnt want to look up a meaning or how to pronounce something but when you are having people vote on something its best to write to the audience, not yourself... or at least thats my opinion.

It’s magical how I could wake up and do things.
Create the future, with movements based on fate or illusion.
Contemplating the blueprint, yet unlocking my DNA seems fruitless.
Insatiate by the rubric, I’m debating my ruin, deciding whether to begin embracing the crooked.

i did however enjoy this part, the last line leads me to believe you are talking about MS? either way it was nicely written.

Meditating on the nature of hubris. Virtue isn’t a sacred absolution.
Look at me. An animal that never became tamed from evolution.
Being a homo sapien with this kind of brain as an inclusion

just saying, i hate the -tion, -sion end rhymes.. reason being is there are literally thousands of words having the -tion rhyme and most people dont care about how the rest of the word rhymes, and as im sure you already know not all of them are perfect rhymes. this however was talked nicely.

The allusion from every feature of mine that is weakly and feeble
The reason I mention them is so I can see my own ego.

this was slick, i enjoyed that feeding my ego line

And decide whether it should be the life force that twiddles my fingers.
Frostbite compromised my circulation. Raynaud’s left me crippled and hindered.
Chicago winters are sinister and bitter. The remedy is ginger and liquor.
But, adapting has turned me to a drinker with a sclerotic liver.
In essence,
I’m trying to find equilibrium as an inherently chaotic creature.

again, the Raynauds reference left me clueless (not your fault, but still i wont go look it up either) also da fuck is sclerotic? and this is where i get left torn, i dont want to judge a piece that i fully dont understand but at the same time im not getting graded on this so im not going to go research everything



i tried to give you guys a little more in depth feed and constructive critism on how i think and approuch a piece when i read and vote on it. you guys can choose to see it for what it is or not.

so in the end for me it basically comes down to interpretation of a piece, where as one was more clean cut and i was just able to sit back and enjoy where it took me, the other i felt i had a bunch of stop signs where i had to try to figure out where i was going, this for me comes down to personal preference, and while i did enjoy buddha's piece, i enjoyed adonis's piece much more for its natural cadence displayed so this week he gets the vote from me

mvgt-Adonis