Netcees - View Single Post - Week 3: Razah vs. Mr. J (MR. J WINS SHUTOUT 8-0)

Frank · 03-22-2016, 12:21 AM

Mr. J...
Brownie points for taking one for the team. Hilarious choice. Writing was significantly better than I could remember you being capable of. Verse was just the right length for the effect you were after. The punchline hit. You weren't interested in created a backstory, you simply mentioned the word back story to allow the reader to make up their own backstory. Not quite sure if that was purposely done or subconscious, but it dropped pounds off the verse, clearing filler. You probably knew the last line andset it up sufficiently enough. Good read.

Razah...
I liked the flow, not from a technical aspect, but from a simple enjoyment level. I don't believe you captured the voice of the image to its extent, but you pretty much nailed it in your own capacity. Not a huge fan of short bar, but you are an exception. Your line length sits at its own golden ration. Line length reminds me of The 3 Little Bears. Not too tall, not too shortbar. I didn't like how the ideas meshed. Talking about the warm beach, then it got cold all of a sudden? Just mentioning a beach in general threw the vibe off for me. Just not enough room for the ideas to manifest.

Overall, Cool battle.

MVGT Mr. J

03-22-2016, 12:21 AM	#11
Frank Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 3,228 Champed - NWL Season 2 - Art of Writing League (5x) - Lime Green Poetry Association - AOWL Season 6 - AOWL Season 10 Rep Power: 3853347	Mr. J... Brownie points for taking one for the team. Hilarious choice. Writing was significantly better than I could remember you being capable of. Verse was just the right length for the effect you were after. The punchline hit. You weren't interested in created a backstory, you simply mentioned the word back story to allow the reader to make up their own backstory. Not quite sure if that was purposely done or subconscious, but it dropped pounds off the verse, clearing filler. You probably knew the last line andset it up sufficiently enough. Good read. Razah... I liked the flow, not from a technical aspect, but from a simple enjoyment level. I don't believe you captured the voice of the image to its extent, but you pretty much nailed it in your own capacity. Not a huge fan of short bar, but you are an exception. Your line length sits at its own golden ration. Line length reminds me of The 3 Little Bears. Not too tall, not too shortbar. I didn't like how the ideas meshed. Talking about the warm beach, then it got cold all of a sudden? Just mentioning a beach in general threw the vibe off for me. Just not enough room for the ideas to manifest. Overall, Cool battle. MVGT Mr. J __________________ *VETWORK* Last edited by Frank; 03-22-2016 at 12:24 AM.