Buddha
Yo, that opening stanza is on point. The voice sounds like a smarmy prick who revels in the suffernig of others. It was worded correctly.
2nd stanza has taken a strange turn - I wanted more of what you offered in the 1st stanza, but it's become far more cryptic and opaque. I had to re-read it to pick up the direction you were headed in... as though this villainous character is watching people suffer because of a twisted interpretation of humanity.
But, I don’t want them to down spiral too quickly,
I prefer seeing their bones and muscle fibers turn sickly
^^Turns back in the right direction here.
Committing genocide within law. Pseudoscience applause.
^^ that's the dopest line of the verse for sure
Yo, so I'm feeling this verse, I thought it was pretty cool...
JESODIST
Trapped in the Form of Humanity,
His insides are Dark matter creating its Own Reality,
holy fuck, bro. that's a dope line.
My honest thoughts are that this became incredibly wordy after this opening couplet. I think if you dialed it back a bit - then your story could have shone through a bit better.
Altering his molecular structure his arms become blades that Rip into Sections,
Any Victim that enters the cave where he Sits in Detention
Mind without a gaze in a Sinking Dimension,
Army of demons appear on his Hideous Complexion, Awaiting orders Too Hideous to Mention,
^^^ that's pretty dope.
As I'm reading, I'm really disappointed by the amount of spelling and grammatical mistakes that pull me out of the verse.
The one responsible for all the Crop Circles,His skin is uncrushable and Dark Purple,
Whisper a Prayer to the Breeze before Entering the Layer of the Beast,
With Alien Feats sacrificing the pagans beneath until the spirit of Satan is Released.
^^^that's dope.
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Any form of negativity will make his power Blatantly Increase,
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these types of rhymes kill me. Blatantly is not an appropriate adverb here, imo - but it fits your scheme so you add it. that pulls me out of the verse.
see what I mean about the mistakes? it's mad distracting
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A Calm and fly emcee with an Army that stretches as far as the Eyes can Sea,
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wtf?? this guy is a rapper???? I thought he was some hell demon!
Yo Jesodist - you poured a lot into this verse. I appreciate the effort and description that went into it. But it felt waaaaay waaaaaay too long. It feels like you wrote 50 lines describing how powerful this guy is. That's a cool exercise on a smaller scale, but I need more to keep me engaged than just your rhyming ability. While I did enjoy some of your constructions, I was constantly drawn away from the piece due to your writing errors. So your mechanics should've carried a verse that became boring and predictable, but even the mechanics had issues. I think in a scaled back version with some kind of story twist, you would have a really cool piece here.
Vote -- UnbornBuddha