Artifice, I liked the verse.
Quote:
as day fades death engages in dangerous travel
on a path paved with pain, dirt terrain stained with gravel
takes rein n' saddle across plains of grazing cattle
aims to trap you in a grave, never again your flame'll crackle
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Strong way to open, kept the pace going, and wrapped up nicely. I liked the whole death chasing you & racing away from it. Not too hard of a concept, but I liked it more cuz I don't think I would've thought of going that route from this picture. But, now that I read the verse, and seen the picture, that concept fits so well. Good shit.
Aww Asylum, the way you ended made me sad. :'(
Lol, cool verse man. Appreciate the story telling, and some of the wording of your lines made me 'feel' for the character, brought her to life.
Quote:
Tired and exhausted, she turned up her camera’s shutter speed,
scanned the battle scene and tried to ignore her heart's fluttering.
A tank burst into flames and shrapnel whispered in their ears,
sizzling steel ignited her drivers beard, their Jeep shuddered as it veered,
“GET DOWN DICKEY!” he screamed as she turned to site the burning wreck,
snapped the shot, said a prayer. Wasn’t there to earn a check.
She yearned to address wars human cost and crossed frontlines to do it,
and tore across scorched battlefields avoiding enemy movements.
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Was drawn in from the very beginning. My only complaint is after that, your 9th bar & tenth bar had a different end rhyme. That kind of threw me off, had to read the line before again to get a natural rhythm going. Besides that, very enjoyable.
I'm looking forward to Artifice in this league, I like the way he writes. Honestly, after reading this, I didn't think asylum had it in him to write something better. I think he was out classed here as far as rhyming, but everything else made up for it. Drawing someone in emotionally, and letting them 'feel' for a made up character is dope. It's only happened a couple times after reading 100's of verse. Appreciate that.
vasylum